Vigil in a Wilderness of Mirrors
by dawneh
Summary: John Paul/Craig... If you could go back and live your life again - would you and should you?
1. Chapter 1

_If there's somebody up there, could they throw me down a line  
Just a little helping hand, just a little understanding  
Just some answers to the questions that surround me now_

_If there's somebody up there, could they throw me down a line  
Just a little guiding light to tell wrong from right  
Just some answers to the questions that I'm asking you_

_I keep a vigil in a wilderness of mirrors  
Where nothing here is ever what it seems  
You stand so close but you never understand it  
For all that we see is not all that it seems, am I blind?_

The room was dark; a thick gloom seemed to hang in the air, covering every surface as completely as the layers of dust did. The TV screen had a smear through its centre from when he had last felt inclined to watch its meaningless flickering images, but that had been weeks ago now and the dust had quickly gathered again to replace the coating that had been wiped away.

Filling his mouth with the golden liquid from the bottle he winced. He'd never liked the taste of whiskey, or the way it seemed to burn at he back of his throat, but that didn't stopped him drinking it, taking it neat from the bottle as the social niceties of using a glass had long since abandoned him.

The single naked bulb suspended from the middle of the ceiling cast little illumination around the room, and that was just the way he liked it. He sighed as he took another drink from the bottle. How had his life come to this? He was fourty-three years old, and alone. So very alone. Everything he owned was contained within the confines of one small scruffy bedsit that had been his home for a countless number of years. It was a damp, dark and soulless room that reeked of depression and emptiness, just as everything in his life did.

His eyes came to rest on a photograph that was standing on a worn and battered cupboard in the corner of the room. Like everything else the glass of the picture frame was thick with dust, blurring the faces of the people behind until they were almost unrecognisable, but that didn't matter, he knew the image well. He had looked on it countless times over the years and he could recall the happy smiling faces with vivid clarity. The faces of people who he had once loved, people who had once loved him. Before… before it all went wrong… before he lost everything.

Breaking the foil seal of tablets he held in his hand he slipped two, then three, of the innocent white discs into his mouth before washing them away with the whiskey. Looking at the photograph again he repeated the action until the packet fell to the ground, empty.

A single tear traced its way over his cheek, down to his unshaven jaw line and the feel of it surprised him. It had been a long time since he had felt the impulse to cry, since he had felt anything but the empty desolation that had become his life. It was so long since any emotion had touched him that the feel of it stirring in his cold chest was alien and frightening. He had taught himself years ago never to let anyone reach him again. Never to let himself feel or to fall in love, never to risk the pain and heartache that came along with those emotions. The few "relationships" he had fallen into over the years had been nothing to do with feelings but rather a need to satisfy his baser desires for physical pleasures, but even that left him cold in the end.

Leaning back in his chair he looked up at the stained cracked ceiling and sighed. Eyes that had once been considered beautiful, that had once shined the brightest blue were now dull and lifeless, and what little life John Paul McQueen still possessed he was ready, he was desperate, to let go of.

Within a few minutes a second empty packet fell to the cluttered floor around John Paul's feet as the effects of the tablets and whiskey began to make his eyes droop heavily. He could almost feel the escape calling to him, beckoning him to leave behind the mess he had made of his life and embrace an eternity of nothing.

Turning heavy eyes to the picture frame John Paul once again sought out the faces of his family, his mother and sisters. People who had once loved him without question, people who had eventually turned away from him, or was it John Paul who turned away from them? The more time that passed the less he was certain of until all he knew with any kind of clarity was that he had had enough. He had tried at life and he had failed and now, finally, he was ready to see it end.

A small smile tugged at the corners of John Paul's mouth as his memories taunted him with the day that the photograph had been taken. His twentieth birthday party. A day of happiness and celebration and a day exactly two weeks before Myra McQueen disowned her son.

He could still remember the look in her eyes when she found out. The look of anger and disappointment, but most of all the look of sheer disgust. Her beautiful son had let her down in the one way she could never forgive. He had taken from her the one thing she had always treasured, sullied it until it could no longer offer her the comfort she so desperately needed that day. Two weeks after John Paul McQueen's twentieth birthday his relationship with Father Kieron had been exposed and Myra had never been able to forgive him, to forgive either of them.

His mother's last words echoed in John Paul's head as his eyes slipped closed.

"I don't know who you are anymore…"

"I'm still your son…"

"No… My son would never do that… you're no son of mine…"

That was the day that John Paul McQueen lost his family but it was also the day he lost himself. Without them he had no identity, no support and no strength.

Although his sisters, and most especially Jacqui, had tried to heal the rift and reunite the family John Paul had resisted. He had done enough harm and they deserved better. Myra deserved better than a son who would laugh in the face of her beliefs, destroying them under her own roof simply because of a desire that burned inside him. Eventually John Paul stopped answering Jacqui's calls. Eventually Jacqui stopped calling. Eventually John Paul was left alone.

There was a dull thud as the empty whiskey bottle slid from John Paul's relaxed grip and hit the floor. Consciousness was draining from his mind, leaving an empty hollow behind that was void of pain or regret. It was finally over. All the mistakes, all the pain and heartache, all of the wishing for more and being left disappointed, it was all coming to an end.

John Paul couldn't help but wonder if anyone would mourn his passing, if anyone would even notice. Would his absence from the world leave even the smallest impression? As the thick heavy blanket of darkness wrapped itself around John Paul's mind he knew that there was no one left who cared enough to miss him. All the love he had known had long since died and now it was time for the shell of the man to do the same.

The silence was absolute and the blackness was complete.

There was nothing.

He was nothing.

It was over.

* * *

And then there was the light.

Just a glimmer at first, a tiny hint of brightness shining far off in the distance but it was unmistakable and John Paul could feel himself being drawn towards it.

Was there some truth in the stories he had heard? Was there really a tunnel of light in death, leading on to salvation? Was there even salvation for someone like him?

As John Paul watched the light grew brighter and began to take shape. A figure formed from the glowing illumination. The figure of an angel, with long golden hair and a soft gentle smile.

"Hannah?"

"Hello John Paul."

Why was it that, in the last seconds of his life, John Paul's mind should conjure up the image of the first person he ever really hurt? The kind gentle girl whose heart he once broke and whose friendship he eventually turned his back on.

In so many ways it was wonderful to see that young girl again, to have the reminder that he had once known how it felt to be a real person. In so many ways it was terrible to see that young girl again, to have the reminder that he had once known how it felt to be a cruel, hurtful person.

"Why you Hannah?" John Paul asked quietly inside his own mind.

"It was your choice John Paul," She told him kindly. "You brought me here…"

"Me? How? I don't understand."

"It's too soon… it's not your time yet."

"I can't carry on like this Han… I won't… it's too hard… I can't live this life anymore."

"So don't... Live a different life…"

"Simple as that… you don't think I haven't tried…"

Hannah stepped forward, her feet seemingly gliding over the insubstantial ground until she was directly in front of him.

"You didn't deserve this John Paul," She said gently, her hand briefly touching his rough, unkempt face.

It was the first time John Paul had been touched with kindness in so long that, even though he knew it wasn't real, it still made him want to weep.

"I need to let go… I'm tired Han… so tired."

"I know." Hannah's smile was warm and gentle. "But it's not your time… John Paul… you've got another chance."

"I can't go back to that life."

"You don't have to… when I say you've got another chance I mean exactly that. You can do it again John Paul… you can choose not to have it end like this."

"I don't know what you mean."

"You're being give the chance to go back… to change things… well to change one thing."

"What thing?"

"That's up to you… but you've got to decide quickly John Paul… when did it start to go wrong? If you could change just one thing what would it be?"

"What if I choose wrong?" John Paul's head was spinning. He knew this couldn't be real, it wasn't possible. And yet he knew that it was. Somehow he just knew that Hannah was speaking the truth and he could change it all, he could save himself a lifetime of pain but only if he changed the right thing.

"You won't… trust me John Paul, you know what to do."

"Will I remember… this life… will I know what happened?"

"For a while you will… but it will fade… and then you'll just have the new life you make… choose well John Paul."

"I'm scared."

"But you know?"

"I know."

And he did. John Paul McQueen knew with absolute certainty, of all the mistakes he made in his life, he knew which one was the start of things. He knew what needed to change and he knew how that change should happen.

John Paul McQueen was only seconds away from death.

John Paul McQueen was only seconds away from re-birth.

John Paul McQueen had been given a second chance.

* * *

_I get so confused and I don't understand  
I know you feel the same way you've always wanted to say  
But you don't get the chance  
Just a voice in the crowd_

_I don't know the score anymore  
It's not clear anymore  
I can't tell right from wrong anymore  
I just don't understand_

The silence was absolute and the blackness was complete.

John Paul couldn't breathe or think or move. He felt suspended in time, frozen in an eternal moment that was unwilling to allow him the freedom to move on, as if time itself was still deciding whether it should grant him life or death.

Did he have his eyes closed? He wasn't certain. Did things such as eyes exist for him anymore, did HE even exist anymore? Perhaps he was just a memory of a man, a final echo of a life badly lived and soon to be forgotten.

He felt numb, no physical sensation touching any inch of his body as he waited. Waiting to see what came next, waiting to see if there was a next or if this was where he was finally allowed to simply fade away and become the nothing he had felt himself to be for so long.

"Do you love him?"

The voice sounded so clear, as if the speaker was standing in the room with him. John Paul took a deep breath, startled for a moment at the sudden rush of air that filled his lungs, the feeling of the hard counter top pressing into his back and the warm air that touched delicately at his skin.

John Paul's eyes opened slowly, tentatively, afraid to see and terrified not to. He winced as the bright light pierced his pupils, images of the room before him assaulting his brain with long forgotten memories and long abandoned feelings.

And then there was HIM. Standing there, his deep chocolate eyes shining with the tears that covered his cheeks, hope, confusion, fear and love all doing battle deep inside that seductively hypnotic stare.

"Not as much as I love you." The words fell from John Paul's lips with a startling ease, they were the words he had spoken once before, a lifetime ago. Had he spoken them before? Was there a before? Had anything even existed until the moment that Craig Dean had looked at him like that? Could anything ever exist again afterwards?

Craig shuffled slowly forward, fresh tears tumbling over his cheeks as uncertainty battled with desire in his eyes. The warmth of Craig's hands against John Paul's chest, pawing at him gently, urgently, sent tremors racing through his body awakening it from a slumber that had lasted too long. Every atom of his being came to life with a longing he had long since tried to forget.

But this couldn't happen. Not again. He couldn't let it. He wouldn't let it.

"Craig… Craig don't," John Paul breathed, the words burning his mouth as he forced them through his lips.

"I can't stop thinking about you," Craig wept, his face only inches from his friends, the heat of their breaths mingling together as the gap between them closed.

"Craig… Craig…" The name felt so wonderful inside John Paul's mouth again. He gasped softly as Craig's hands touched at his neck and then his face; Craig's deep dark eyes looking at him, needing him.

"I want you."

Their mouths crashed together with an urgency and a longing that had built up over weeks, months or decades. A desperate need that was new and exciting, that was eternal and terrifying.

For so many years John Paul had tried to forget the emotions and sensations that now cascaded throughout his body and soul. He had forced himself to put away the memory of the love he had once shared with that dark haired boy, made himself pretend that what he had once felt was long gone, that it had faded from his heart as the months turned into years and he accepted that he would never get to hold Craig again.

But a single touch of the man's lips was enough to reawaken everything that John Paul had lived his life without. It was enough to reawaken love, the ability to love and the feeling of knowing that someone loved you in return.

Kissing Craig was like being able to see again after too many years standing alone in the dark. John Paul's heart raced with a strong vibrant rhythm that pulsed through his body like the most intoxicating drug ever known.

But that had always been the problem.

Craig Dean was the drug to which John Paul McQueen had become quickly and irreversibly addicted. And like all addictions eventually the addict discovers that the price they have to pay is too high.

"Craig no." John Paul's voice trembled as he gripped Craig's shoulders firmly, pushing the man away from him despite the fact that all he really wanted to do was hold him, to make love to him and to be with him again, like it used to be before everything died.

"John Paul please," Craig's eyes glistened with tears and his voice trembled with emotion. "I know you want me…"

"It's not that simple," John Paul insisted, his fingers digging deeply into Craig's shoulders as he kept the man at arms length, knowing that if he let him any closer, if he gave in to one more kiss, then he wouldn't have the strength to stop things a second time.

"It can be…"

"No Craig… please…" John Paul closed his eyes for a second. He couldn't give in, no matter how much he wanted to, no matter how much the touch of Craig, the taste of Craig made him feel alive, he knew where this ended and he couldn't live that life again. "Please don't do this…"

"I thought you loved me…" John Paul wished he hadn't looked up again as the pain in Craig's eye tore at his heart.

"I do love you," John Paul replied honestly. "I have always loved you… I WILL always love you…"

Craig hesitated. Just for a moment John Paul's eyes looked different. Not the bright blue of a seventeen-year-old, but a washed out grey of a much older man, eyes filled with loss and pain and yet, at their very core shone the love that had always lingered there. Craig blinked and John Paul's eyes looked the same as they always had, but the memory of that gaze lingered in Craig's mind, it felt as if John Paul KNEW he would always love him and Craig felt no reason to doubt that belief.

"Then why..?"

"This isn't right Craig… please understand… you're with Sarah, you don't want to do this to her, you don't want to betray her like this. You'll hate yourself for it. You'll hate ME for it."

"I won't… you can't know that…"

"I know Craig," John Paul said with a frightening certainty. "I love you… I WANT to love you… but not now… and not like this…"

Craig stepped back, John Paul's hands slipping from his shoulders as he moved out of reach, his hands covering his face as he turned away.

"I'm sorry," Craig said, his voice muffled through his hands, "I don't know what I was thinking… forget it… please just forget I said anything… forget I came here today…"

"I don't want to forget… Craig look at me... please…"

"I'm sorry, I made a mistake… I'm sorry…"

With a deep breath Craig raced for the door, his trembling hands fumbled with the lock for a moment before it would turn and grant him the escape he so desperately craved.

"Craig don't go," John Paul called but it was already too late. The door swung quietly closed and John Paul was alone once again. "I love you."

* * *

John Paul stood looking at his reflection for some time. His hand rested on the softness of his cheek as he stared at the features of the young man he had once been, the young man he somehow was again. He wasn't certain what had happened, or how fate had decided to let him have this second chance but he knew he had to do everything he could to make things right this time.

John Paul's fingers moved lightly over his skin, he had forgotten how smooth it used to be, how brightly his eyes could shine or how alive he could look when he smiled. For so many years John Paul McQueen had been living the life of a dead man but now he was reborn into a world that still held so many possibilities, if only he could make the right choices.

He had been desperately tempted to chase after Craig a couple of hours earlier, but he held back, now wasn't the time to make any rash decisions, he had done that once before and he knew where it led.

Closing his eyes for a second John Paul could clearly picture the look of hurt and rejection on Craig's face. His soft brown eyes filled with tears as John Paul pushed him away.

"Did you choose right?" John Paul whispered to his reflection. He couldn't help but wonder if he had turned away his only chance to be with the man he loved. It was possible that his rejection would stop Craig ever showing his feelings again. With one decision John Paul McQueen might have ruled out holding Craig in his arms forever, he could have permanently lost that opportunity. But if it meant he never lost that friendship, never lost his family or his life then it had to be worth the sacrifice. He knew where the alternative led and he wasn't prepared to go there again, no matter what the cost.

With a sigh John Paul let his gaze wander around the familiar, and yet startlingly unfamiliar, surroundings. The home of his youth seemed filled with vivid colours, welcoming him home with its warmth and promise of comfort. And yet being there felt wrong. It was the home he had left in shame so many years earlier. The memory of that day was burned into his mind but already the finer details were beginning to fade. John Paul wondered how long he would retain the memories of the events that had no longer happened, how long would he still hold onto the regrets of the fourty-three year old man? How soon before the seventeen-year-old boy would be all that he could recall? There was so much he had to do before that happened, so many things he had to say, before he forgot how important his words could be.

And then he saw it.

Somehow it hadn't crossed his mind, he'd been so consumed with thoughts of Craig and of putting things right that nothing else had registered until he saw that one thing.

With trembling hands John Paul picked up the photo, his fingers running lightly over the happy faces that were forever sealed behind the glass.

It was the picture taken at Jacqui's wedding. It was a picture of a happy smiling family. His family.

John Paul's vision blurred as tears filled his eyes, a large teardrop falling onto the face of Myra. A deep ache shook his heart and a pitiful moan fell from his lips. She was around now. Somewhere out there in Hollyoaks village was the living, breathing Myra McQueen. John Paul felt the sobs begin to shake his shoulders.

She wasn't dead and she still loved him. There were so many things John Paul was being given a second chance with and he knew that, whatever else might happen, he was never going to let himself lose his family this time. He would fight with every last breath he had and he wouldn't walk away, no matter what, no matter why.

John Paul never wanted to face another day like the one when he got that letter. He had moved so many times that when it finally caught up with him it was battered and crumpled and the news inside was months old. By the time John Paul got to read his eldest sisters words it was already too late. Myra McQueen had died and been buried, and her son hadn't been there. Myra McQueen had died and her son had never got to say he was sorry.

Six months after her death John Paul had returned to Hollyoaks and stood before his mother's grave. He'd watched, from a distance, as Carmel laid fresh flowers. Even then he had been unable to approach her, unable to face that look in his beautiful sister's eyes, the look he had seen the day he walked away. The look of disappointment.

Reading the words on his mother's headstone, the list of her loving children and seeing his own name in the midst of them had released the tears that he had been holding back since he first heard of her death. Falling to his knees amongst the flowers John Paul had wept, his shoulders shaking violently as he mourned so much more than the loss of his mother.

"John Paul love, what's wrong?"

John Paul jumped at the sound of the voice behind him and the picture frame fell from his hands, the glass cracking as it hit the ground leaving a jagged line near the edge of the picture.

"John Paul, son, what is it?"

A hand pressed against John Paul's shoulder and he turned slowly, tears still rolling over his cheeks as he looked into the face of his mother.

"Tell me… what's wrong," Myra said, her soft eyes filled with concern as she slipped her arm over her son's shoulders, desperate to know what had caused him such distress.

"Mum…" John Paul gasped the word, "I… mum I…"

"What is it?"

"I… it's just I… I've missed you so much." With another sob John Paul fell into his mother's arms, drawing the comfort from her embrace that he had been denied for so long, that he had denied himself for years.

"What are you talking about," Myra asked with an uncertain laugh, "I've only been gone a few hours."

"I'm so sorry mum," John Paul said in a muffled voice. "I'm so sorry for all of it… I never meant to… I didn't think I…" John Paul's voice broke into heavier sobs as Myra pulled him closer.

"John Paul tell me what's happened… what didn't you mean to do? What is it son?" Myra held her son tightly, his body trembling in her embrace as the tears of heartache and joy streamed from his eyes.

Pulling back from his mother's arms John Paul scrubbed at his face, roughly brushing away the tears from his cheeks. For so many years he had regretted never having told her how sorry he was. Even back then he'd never been able to apologise. He had known just how much he had hurt Myra but stubbornness or stupidity had stopped him from saying he was sorry. Maybe if he had been able to find the words she would have been able to forgive.

"It's nothing… I'm being silly," John Paul said turning away. How could he explain that he was sorry for something that hadn't happened, that was never going to happen? How could he tell her that he had lived out a life of lonely regret because he had never found the way to say sorry?

"John Paul?" Myra rested her hand lightly on his shoulder, encouraging him to turn back and face her. As he did Myra caught a glint of something in John Paul's eyes that startled her. There was such an age in them, a maturity and a pain that went far beyond his years and the sight sent chills racing the length of her spine. What had caused such a look in that young man's eyes? And then, as soon as it had appeared, the strange echo was gone, as if it had never been there, causing Myra to wonder if it had been a trick of the light or something in her imagination.

"I just never tell you that I love you enough," John Paul said quietly.

Myra smiled at her son's words. "That doesn't matter," she said, "I know you do."

"But I should tell you… I never find the time to tell you…" John Paul shook his head and sighed. "There are so many things I never bothered to tell people," he said quietly, more to himself than to Myra.

"What's troubling you John Paul?"

"I've gotta go out…"

"Where to… why?"

Wrapping his arms around his mother John Paul hugged her tightly. "Everything's fine mum… really… and I do love you… I really do."

Myra McQueen stood in the centre of the room for a while after her son had left. Something had happened to him, he seemed changed but she couldn't quite figure out how. Shaking her head she stooped to pick up the broken photo frame. The crack in the glass seemed to separate John Paul from the rest of the family. Myra carefully removed the photograph from the damaged frame and placed it on the side, pausing for a moment to smile at the faces of her children before walking into the kitchen to throw the broken glass away.


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

"Can I come in?" John Paul asked, his feet shuffling nervously on the doorstep. He felt like a teenager again, he WAS a teenager again.

"Of course..."

The door was opened wide to let the young blonde man step over the threshold. He looked at the familiar surroundings of the home that he hadn't visited for so many years and yet had only been in days ago, and the familiar smile of the mother who hadn't aged because the time hadn't yet passed. Trying to reconcile the memories of the present with the knowledge of his past that had never happened made John Paul's head spin and he closed his eyes to steady himself. As much as he knew he needed to cling onto the memories for now he also longed for the day when he could let them go and just be himself again, just be aware of one life and one future and escape the dark shadows of the life he had lived and then died through.

"John Paul, hi..."

John Paul's eyes opened at the sound of his name and he smiled as his friend approached.

"Hannah." She still looked beautiful, just like the angel that had come to save him, but already he could see the signs. She looked thinner than she used to, paler, her smile was less vibrant and her eyes held a little less shine. How was it that things could get so bad for her before her friends would start to notice? "Can we talk?"

"Of course," Hannah smiled, the special smile that she always had for John Paul and it made his heart ache for what he had done to her.

John Paul perched uncomfortably on the edge of Hannah's bed and let his gaze wander around her room. It was so very feminine, to typically the room of a teenage girl and so totally Hannah.

It was also the room that they had come to the day he had taken her out in the small rowboat. It was the room where John Paul had held Hannah, where he had touched her cold shivering skin and made love to her. It was the room where John Paul McQueen finally admitted to himself that she could never be the person that he loved.

"I'm sorry," John Paul said quietly, his eyes falling to his feet, unable to meet her soft gaze.

"What for?" Hannah asked kindly. There had been times when John Paul had resented Hannah's sad acceptance of the lies he had made of their relationship. Days when he had wished she would shout and scream and tell him how much she hated him. But she never did, that wasn't Hannah, it wasn't a part of her to lash out and that gentleness was one of the things he had always loved about the pretty young woman.

"For everything," John Paul replied. "For what I did… for what I didn't do… I never meant to hurt you Han, I really didn't."

"I know."

"Do you?" John Paul lifted his face to Hannah's, his heart aching a little more at the love that still echoed deep in her eyes. "Do you really?"

"John Paul what is it?" Hannah furrowed her brow as she looked at her ex-boyfriend. There was a strange intensity about him, a heaviness in his gaze that seemed to speak of secrets and truths that he shouldn't know and was afraid to tell. "Has something happened?"

"Too many things," John Paul said with a sigh.

Taking hold of Hannah's hands John Paul smiled, a sad smile filled with regret and guilt, of all the people he had hurt in his life Hannah had been the most vulnerable and least deserving. The only thing she had ever wanted from him was love, the one thing that he couldn't give, at least not the love that she needed.

"I do love you Han," John Paul said quietly, instantly regretting his choice of words as a moment of hope flashed in her eyes, hope that he knew he had to quickly extinguish causing the young woman another moment of pain at his hands. "But I can't love you… not the way you want me to."

"I understand," Hannah replied sadly, letting her eyes fall to their hands clasped tightly between them.

"No Hannah I don't think you do," John Paul insisted, tightening his grip. He had to make her see, he had to. He couldn't let her think… she couldn't blame herself, not any more. "Hannah you are so beautiful…"

Hannah let out a small, dismissive laugh and shook her head slightly, almost an imperceptible movement but John Paul saw it.

"I mean it Han… you really are beautiful, and you're kind and funny and smart and any guy would be so proud to be with you…"

"Just not you?"

"No… not me. But not because there is anything wrong with you… you're perfect just the way you are… I'm gay… I always have been and I should never have… I should never have let things get so far between us…"

"So why did you?"

"I don't know… I was stupid, scared… I thought that maybe if I… if we…" John Paul took a deep breath and shook his head to clear his thoughts. "I thought that maybe if I slept with you then perhaps it would fix me… but I'm not broken Han… I'm just gay…"

"You shouldn't have…"

"I know…"

"Do you know how you made me feel that day… seeing you and Craig…" As Hannah looked up John Paul saw unshed tears glistening in her eyes.

"If I could take it back… if I could take away the hurt I caused you I would," John Paul stroked Hannah's cheek softly, "I really would… I promise you…"

"Well it doesn't matter now does it," Hannah replied with a forced laugh, "I mean it's all in the past…"

"You will meet someone you know… someone who sees how amazing you are, someone who can love you like you deserve…"

"Will I?"

"I promise…"

The two friends talked for some time, saying the things they should have said long before but John Paul knew there was still one more thing he had to say, to do, before he left.

Standing at Hannah's bedroom door John Paul paused, his hand gripped onto the cool wood as he looked back at the beautiful girl sitting on her bed.

"You've lost weight," he said quietly.

Hannah smiled, finding a compliment in his words where none was intended.

"Don't do it Han…"

"Do what?"

"Don't go starving yourself to try and be something else…"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do..."

Standing at the bottom of the stairs John Paul bit his lip. He knew she might never forgive him but he also knew that he had to do it, if he could prevent even an ounce of pain or suffering in her life then he had to.

Walking into the living room John Paul fidgeted nervously.

"Mrs Ashworth… can I talk to you?"

"Course you can John Paul. What is it?"

"It's about Hannah, there's something you need to know…"

* * *

John Paul opened his eyes slowly, allowing the reality of his surroundings to gradually seep into his mind. In that moment before complete consciousness took a hold he had all but convinced himself that he had had a wonderful dream but, as his eyes focused on the familiar room around him, he knew that whatever this was it wasn't a dream.

Curling his fingers into the mattress beneath him John Paul let out a small sigh, it was real. It was all real.

Sitting up slowly John Paul smiled at the old posters that decorated his bedroom walls. It was good to be home again.

Letting his eyes wander casually around the room his gaze landed on a sheet of paper that was resting on the floor near his bed. It was an exam timetable.

"Shit!" John Paul exclaimed, jumping from his bed. He had completely forgotten that, the time in his life he had now returned to, just happened to be the time he was sitting his A-levels. Pulling on his jeans John Paul silently prayed that he could remember enough of his studies to recreate the grades he had once earned.

Fastening his belt around his waist John Paul looked up at the sound of his bedroom door opening. Feeling an immediate hit of guilt John Paul turned his face from his visitor.

"Great to see you too," Spike said with a jovial smile.

"Sorry," John Paul replied, returning his gaze to the dark haired man who had once helped John Paul discover exactly who and what he was, "Just not good in the mornings!"

"Yeah," Spike acknowledged, "Your mum asked me to check you were up… you OK?"

"Yeah, yeah, fine."

Reaching for a top John Paul pulled it roughly over his head. He felt suddenly exposed and vulnerable, as if Spike could see straight through him, could see his secrets and his lies and the sensation made him want to run.

"I'm not gonna turn up every morning and follow you to school," Spike teased with a laugh as he perched on the edge of John Paul's bed.

"I know," John Paul replied, sitting nervously beside the man who, for all intents and purposes, was currently his boyfriend.

"So what is it then?" Spike's hand felt warm as it touched John Paul's shoulder, but the touch seemed to burn through the fabric of his shirt, branding him a liar and a cheat.

A lifetime ago John Paul had slept with Craig behind Spike's back and still managed to fight down the guilt that it had caused. But that had been a different John Paul. A John Paul that hadn't known what damage lies and secrets could cause.

"Look… Spike… I… it's just…"

"Spit it out."

John Paul took a deep breath and turned his gaze to the strong, well-defined features of his lover. In another world they could have been happy together, but not in this one. In this world John Paul's heart had long since been claimed by another and Spike would only ever second best, the consolation prize, and they both deserved better than that.

"Look the thing is… I do… I do really care about you…"

Spike let his hand fall from John Paul's shoulder as the silent "but" hung in the air between them. Looking into the depths of John Paul's bright blue eyes Spike notice a fleck of grey that he had never seen there before, almost as if the young man had changed in the last day or aged somehow.

The atmosphere seemed to grow heavy in the confines of John Paul's bedroom as the young blond man searched for the words that would make everything alright, knowing that such words could never truly exist.

"Do you want me to make this easy for you?" Spike asked gently.

"What?"

"D'you want me to make it easy for you… to tell me?"

John Paul sighed. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I really am sorry but I… I think we should stop seeing each other."

"I see…" Spike felt confused, he wasn't sure where John Paul's sudden change of heart had come from. Yesterday everything had been fine, they'd been happy, it'd been fun but now he wanted to end it all. "Do I get a reason?"

"I'm not sure I could give you a reason… not one that would make any sense anyway," John Paul replied truthfully. "I wish I could but I… I just know… I know this is for the best…"

There was something about John Paul's tone, or maybe it was that strangeness in his eyes, that made Spike accept the younger man's words and he slowly got to his feet, taking another moment to look into the mysterious depths of John Paul's eyes.

"I hope you find what it is you're looking for," Spike said quietly as he turned to go. He wasn't sure what it was that made him say those words but even as they left his lips he knew how right they felt.

"Thank you," John Paul replied with a grateful smile.

As Spike pulled open the bedroom door a sudden memory seemed to crash violently into John Paul's mind, causing him to gasp with its unexpected force, his fingers curling into the bedding causing his knuckles to whiten.

"Spike wait…" John Paul wasn't certain what he should say but he knew he had to say anything, he could feel the pain from the memory of an event that he hoped he could now prevent.

"What is it?" There was a haunted look clouding John Paul's eyes and Spike hesitated in the doorway.

"It's… look I know this is gonna sound silly but… it's just I… Spike don't… don't ever get a motorbike OK?"

"What?"

"I... I had this dream…" John Paul said. It was a lie although in so many ways the memory now felt like nothing more than a bad dream. "And… and you were on a bike and it crashed and…"

"You had a dream?" Spike said with puzzlement.

"It was a really vivid dream… Spike I don't…" John Paul's eyes shone with tears as he looked pleadingly at his now ex-boyfriend. "I don't want to ever get that news again… Please just promise me you'll be careful… please…"

"I don't even like motorbikes," Spike reassured him with a laugh. "And I've got no intention of ever getting on one OK?"

"OK…"

"See ya John Paul…"

"Bye Spike… and I… I am sorry…"

"I know."

* * *

John Paul's breath caught in his chest when he saw her but it was already too late to turn around as he'd been spotted. Besides where would he go? He had an exam to sit.

"You alright?" John Paul asked with a half smile as he shoved his bag into his locker, keeping out only the items necessary for that morning.

"Not really," Sarah replied with a sigh. Once again John Paul was stuck by the memories of what he had done to someone in another lifetime. The way he had betrayed Sarah's friendship, the way he had hurt her so callously in an attempt to get what he wanted, but in the end they all lost out. Not this time. It wouldn't happen this time. "Life's all backwards isn't it?" Sarah continued, her dark eyes filled with the stress of A levels, and something more. "I mean we're young, we're supposed to be out having a laugh but we're stuck in here with all this pressure…" Sarah scraped her hand over her forehead, pushing stray hair from her eyes as she sighed again.

"I know… it's pretty tough isn't it?" John Paul agreed. How could he tell her how much harder things could get? How could he tell her how sorry he was for something he hadn't even done yet?

"It's screwing everybody up," Sarah said, seemingly unaware of John Paul's uncomfortable shuffling, "I mean… there's more to life than exams… have you seen Craig?"

It was such an innocent question but it seemed to hold a million hidden implications. John Paul's mind raced for a moment. What did she know? Had somebody seen Craig at his house yesterday? With a small shake of his head John Paul tried to dislodge his thoughts. Of course she didn't know anything, there wasn't anything to know.

"No," John Paul replied, "Not today no… you?"

"Yeah," Sarah told him with a nod and grimace, "He's in a right state… all he bangs one about is getting into Trinity and then he goes and walks out of his exam!"

"I know…"

"I mean what's that about? Will you do us a favour and have a word with him?"

With a small smile John Paul nodded. Having a word with Craig was exactly what he planned to do, the very second the exams was over.

* * *

John Paul struggled to keep his mind on the paper resting on his desk, his eyes flickering constantly across the room to where Craig was sitting. Craig's gaze seemed fixed on his own examination, his pen scratching quickly over its surface as if he had nothing to worry about but the questions before him.

Turning his face back to his own paper John Paul forced himself to concentrate, he couldn't afford to fail and, thankfully, the memories of his studies were still lodged within easy access of his psyche.

Craig had rushed past him earlier, claiming his desk without giving anyone the opportunity to talk to him but he wouldn't get away so easily again.

As soon as the end of the exam was called John Paul was on his feet and standing beside Craig's desk before the dark haired man had the time to move.

"We need to talk," John Paul said quietly, trying to ignore the quick look of gratitude that Sarah flashed him, if she knew the truth behind his motives she wouldn't feel so grateful.

"There's nothing to say," Craig replied as he got to his feet and headed out of the door at a determined pace.

Rushing to catch his friend John Paul gripped Craig's shoulder firmly. "I said we need to talk."

"And I said I have nothing to say." Craig snarled as he shook John Paul's hand from his shoulder, spinning to face his friend with anger flashing in his eyes. "Just leave it alright?"

Turning away Craig strode down the corridor, his shoulders hunched and his head hung low as he walked. John Paul watched for a moment before shaking himself into action.

Racing after Craig he grabbed the older man's arm and forcefully shoved him through an open doorway, into a vacant classroom, slamming the door closed behind him and leaning against it.

"What d'you think you're doing?" Craig asked angrily.

"We have to talk," John Paul insisted in a calm level voice, a tone that was a direct opposite to how he felt. Nothing had ever made his heart race as much as being alone with Craig did, his fingers itched to reach out to the man and his lips trembled at the memory of kissing him. Even the dark look of anger that glowed in Craig's eyes was a beautiful sight, a reflection of the passion that he knew the man possessed.

"I've got nothing to say to you," Craig insisted as he tried to pull John Paul away from the door and gain his freedom.

John Paul stood his ground; he wasn't about to let Craig walk away from this.

"We need to talk about yesterday," John Paul said, his back pressed firmly against the door to prevent Craig's escape.

"Nothing happened yesterday."

"Craig you know that's not true…"

"NOTHING happened," Craig snapped, "I don't want to talk about it…"

"Fine," John Paul said with determination. "You don't want to talk fine… then how about you listen… just listen to me Craig, that's all I'm asking."

With a sigh Craig stepped back. He could tell there was no way John Paul was going to let this drop.

"There's nothing you can say that I want to hear," Craig said stubbornly.

"Maybe not… but where's the harm in listening eh?"

The two men looked at each other for a moment, losing themselves in the depths of the eyes that observed them. The spell was only broken when Craig turned away.

"Well hurry up then," he said quietly, "Just say what you want and let me go…"

"I'm sorry Craig," John Paul began.

"Fine… you're forgiven… is that all?"

"You know it isn't… I know you're angry with me… hurt… but you have to understand, what I did, I did it for you…"

Craig snorted his derision.

"I mean it," John Paul insisted, walking away from the door he approached the man he loved, his hands gripping Craig's shoulders gently as he turned the man to look at him. "I love you Craig, you have to believe that. I love you."

John Paul's eyes were so blue, so deep, so mysterious and so full of wonders that Craig couldn't move. There seemed to be so much more inside them than he had ever noticed before. So much pain, hope, fear, desperation but more than anything else that Craig could see, there was so much love.

Shaking his head Craig tore his gaze from John Paul's eyes; he couldn't let himself feel like that again.

"Craig when you kissed me yesterday… I've never felt like that before," John Paul said in a low whisper, "And when you said you wanted me… you don't know how long I've dreamed of hearing you say those things…"

"So why…" Craig's eyes were fixed on a single point on the floor beneath his feet, he couldn't look up, he didn't dare, nor could he complete the question but he didn't have to.

"I had to stop it Craig," John Paul explained. "You might not understand it but I know it was the right thing to do… I know what hurt it could have caused for you… for me… Sarah… everyone… it wasn't right… not then…"

John Paul closed his eyes and forced himself to breath deeply. He could feel Craig's shoulders trembling beneath his hands and he ached to pull the man into his arms.

"I love you Craig," John Paul said gently, "With all my heart… you've changed my life, totally, irreversibly and I know… Craig I KNOW… that I will love you for the rest of my life…"

"I don't understand," Craig replied sadly, his eyes sparkling with tears as he lifted his face to John Paul's, "If you love me then why turn me away… we could have… we could have worked something out…"

"But we wouldn't have… not then…"

"You can't know that…"

"But I do…" John Paul's hands slipped from Craig's shoulders to the man's neck and then to cup his face gently. "Do you love me Craig?"

The men's eyes fused together as the question seemed to echo around the room, neither man moved or breathed for what felt like a lifetime until Craig finally found a voice to answer.

"I don't know," he whispered quietly.

"Then how could I ask you to risk everything that you have?" John Paul replied, brushing his thumbs gently over Craig's soft cheeks. "If you could say that you loved me Craig… really loved me… then I would happily walk through fire with you…"

"How do I know?" Craig asked, there was so much pain and confusion in Craig's deep brown eyes that John Paul's heart ached with a need to take it all away. "I can't stop thinking about you," Craig continued, "You're on my mind all the time and I… I want you… I want to kiss you… and hold you and… is that love John Paul? You tell me… is that love?"

Leaning forward John Paul's mouth touched gently against Craig's lips in an angel's kiss. Craig clung to the kiss for a moment, holding his friend close, wanting more and afraid to want more.

John Paul's eyes were closed tightly as he pulled back, his chest heaved with the effort of containing his pounding heart and his head swam with the intoxicating flavour of Craig's lips.

"If we were in the middle of the street right now would you have let me do that?" John Paul asked, slowly opening his eyes.

"What?"

"Would you Craig? Could you?"

"I don't… I… what are you trying to say?"

"Craig Dean…" John Paul let out a soft sigh that was mingled with a gentle laugh. "Sometimes I wish I'd never fallen in love with you… sometimes I wish I'd never met you… but most of the time… most of the time I can't bare the thought of being without you… Do you love me Craig? Could you face the world right now and tell everyone that you want me?"

"I don't… I don't know…"

"I know you don't." John Paul's hands finally fell away from the gentle touch they had kept on Craig's face. "And you don't have to… not yet… but I need you to be sure Craig, that's all. I love you so much, but more than that, you're my best friend… the best friend I have ever known… and I don't want to risk losing that over something that you might regret."

"What happens now?"

"That's up to you."

* * *

It was late and Suzanne Ashworth was tired, but she couldn't sleep, she hadn't been able to sleep since the young McQueen boy had spoken to her.

"Why would he lie to me?" Suzanne asked her daughter gently.

"I don't know… to hurt me…" Hannah replied with a dismissive shrug.

"John Paul wouldn't do something like that."

"It's not like he hasn't hurt me before."

"This is different Hannah and you know it… please just tell me…"

"Honestly mum, there's nothing wrong… I don't know where he got it from… can I go to bed now? I do have exams in the morning."

Suzanne shook her head and sighed. "Yeah of course you can… but Hannah… you do know you can talk to me… about anything…"

"I know," Hannah told her mother as she brushed a gentle kiss over the woman's forehead. "But there's nothing… honestly."

Suzanne stared into the quiet of the room long after her daughter had gone to bed. She didn't know the McQueen boy, not really, so why was it that she still believed him over her own daughter? What was it in the young man's eyes that had convinced her he was telling the truth? And what could she do about it?

Suzanne Ashworth slowly made her way to bed but she knew that sleep would be a long time coming.

* * *

It was late and John Paul McQueen was tired, but he couldn't sleep. Everything had changed and, for the first time since he had opened his eyes back in his old home the day before, he didn't know what happened next.

His love for the brown-eyed man felt as strong now as it had done on that fateful day when he had first told Craig how he felt. It was a love that had survived a lifetime of pain and regret and then come full circle, bringing him almost back to the start again.

John Paul knew that there was every chance that his friendship with Craig might be all he would ever have from now on. But he also knew that a life with Craig's friendship was a million times better than a life without Craig in it at all.

All he could do was wait and hope.

Lying back on his bed John Paul closed his eyes and sighed, he knew that sleep would be a long time coming.

* * *

It was late and Craig Dean was tired, but he couldn't sleep. He held a picture frame in his hands and stared at the image encased behind the glass. Four people, friends… they were happy back then, weren't they?

Running his thumb over the face of his girlfriend Craig smiled. He could so easily remember the good times they shared, the fun, the laughter, the sex. He could remember telling her that he loved her as he held her at the school dance, less than an hour before he told John Paul the same thing. But that was a different kind of love… wasn't it?

Craig looked at the picture again. Four people, two couples… he knew that at least one of those relationships was a lie. But what about the others?

Did he really love Sarah? She was beautiful and he adored the looks of envy he got from his peers as she held his hand. But was that love?

Then there was John Paul. His friend… the best friend he had ever had… the one person who always understood him and supported him. The only person that was always there for him and never let him down. The person that he dreamed of at night and thought about during the day. Was that love?

Letting the photograph fall gently to the floor Craig fell back onto his bed and sighed, he knew that sleep would be a long time coming.


	3. Chapter 3

_Would you just let me know  
I'm not standing alone  
That I'm not just a voice in the crowd_

He shivered with the cold; his arms wrapped around his body did little to take away the chill that seemed to have settled deep within his bones. The power had gone off a few days earlier and, having little money left, he had had to make the choice between electricity or food. The rumbling in his belly told of the fact that now even the food was running low.

He knew he should get up and put on another jumper but the effort seemed beyond him. He was shivering violently, the echo of his chattering teeth vibrating around the dingy room.

The candle was almost completely burned out and its struggling flame threw tiny dancing shadows around the room, illuminating its dark damp corners briefly before, with one final flicker, it died and the room was plunged into darkness.

With a sigh he closed his eyes and the blackness was absolute.

He had never felt so completely alone in his entire life. He wanted so much just to pick up a phone and to make some human contact, to have someone hold him again like they used to. But that was never going to happen now. He had walked away from everyone and everything that he had loved and had loved him and he was alone.

Opening his eyes the darkness only lessened slightly. He could see shapes seeming to move in the shadows as lights from the streetlamp sent tentative rays through the window.

He stared at the shapes, watching as they appeared to grow in size, getting ever closer to him. He held his breath; his heart pounding in his chest as the menacing shadows crept closer, threatening to engulf him at any second.

John Paul awoke with a yell. His skin was damp with sweat and he quickly reached over to turn on his bedside lamp, chasing away the darkness of his room as he lay back on his bed panting.

He had had that dream for the last four nights now. Every night the shadows grew that bit darker and crept that bit closer.

Running his hands over his face John Paul took deep soothing breaths and tried to ignore the trembling that shook his body with abject fear.

The worst part of the dream wasn't the cold, or the loneliness or even the fear. Nor was it the growing intensity of the dream or the almost certain knowledge that it would return the next night.

The worst part of the dream was knowing that it wasn't a dream. It was a memory. Not long after he had fled Hollyoaks village John Paul McQueen had found himself cold and broke and living in a small dank bed-sit that had harboured more than just terrible shadows. That had been the moment in his life when he felt the most lost and it had also been the first time he had considered taking his own life.

Turning his head to one side John Paul looked at the two photographs on his bedside cabinet. One showed the happy faces of his mother and sisters while the other portrayed two school friends, arms draped casually across each other's shoulders as they grinned for the cameras.

John Paul McQueen wasn't alone any more.

* * *

_You're reaching out, you're so close you can touch it  
But it all disappears when it's always so near  
But one day we will find that we stand in the light  
Until then I'll keep a vigil in a wilderness of mirrors_

He shivered with the cold; his arms wrapped around his body did little to take away the chill that seemed to have settled deep within his bones. The streets were deserted and he felt uncertain of why he was standing in the centre of the village in the freezing cold wearing no coat.

Looking around the familiar surroundings he felt frightened and alone. Something wasn't right and he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

He shivered again as the first few soft white flakes began to fall from, what only seconds ago, had been a clear blue sky.

Within the space of a heartbeat the streets and buildings were covered in a blanket of purest white, untouched and unmarked it smothered everything in silence.

He took a few nervous steps forward, the snow crunching loudly beneath his feet, making him feel guilty for disrupting the peace. After few more steps he hesitated. He didn't know where he was and he didn't know where he was going. He desperately wanted to head for home but the growing snow-storm had made the world unrecognisable and he wasn't even sure of which direction to walk in.

The snowfall grew heavier by the second, obsuring his vision until all he could see was the swirling white flakes before his eyes and all he could hear was the whistle of the wind and the chattering of his own teeth.

Then there was a shape in the distance, vague and uncertain, but moving towards him quickly, filling him with an unexpected terror that froze him to the spot.

As the shape grew closer he could see what it was, who it was and he felt himself smile.

The figure of John Paul McQueen emerged from the blizzard, a hand outstretched towards his friend.

Craig reached out, his fingers tenatively gripping onto John Paul's hand and he gasped at the sudden heat that radiated throughout his body, instantly removing the chill.

Craig observed his friend with awe, uncertain of what do to or say. As quickly as it had begun the snow storm ceased, the final flakes fluttering gently to the ground as the two men stood, their eyes locked together, both of them waiting in silence.

"I love you."

Craig wasn't certain who had spoken. Was it him or was it John Paul? He searched the younger man's eyes for a clue but they simply smiled back at him, soft and kind, just like they had always been.

Craig stepped forward. He needed to know. He had to ask, had he spoken those words? He needed answers to questions he was afraid to ask.

Opening his mouth to speak Craig notice that they were no longer alone.

Over to one side he could see his mother and Jake, further along stood Sarah and Hannah, over there was Sonny Valentine and, as he looked around them, Craig saw more faces than he could put a name to. Watching him. They were all watching him.

His eyes darting from face to face Craig panicked, his fingers slipped from the warmth of John Paul's hand and he was instantly engulfed by the swirling flakes of a fresh blizzard, cutting him off from everyone and leaving him alone again.

Craig awoke with a yell. His skin was damp with sweat and he quickly reached over to turn on his bedside lamp, chasing away the darkness of his room as he lay back on his bed panting.

He shivered with the memories of the cold, but more so with the memories of the empty feeling that he got when he let go of John Paul's hand. He had never felt that alone and the knowledge of that feeling terrified him.

Craig let his gaze wander to the framed picture he kept by his bed. Craig didn't look at himself in the photograph, nor did he take time to observe his girlfriend, or her pretty blonde friend. All he could see was John Paul McQueen and, as he looked into the depths of those bright blue eyes, dazzling still despite being only a reproduction of their real power, Craig could still here the echo of the words in his dream.

"I love you."

And now Craig recognised the voice.

He knew who had spoken.

* * *

John Paul McQueen laid down his pen with a satisfied sigh. It was over. For the second time in his memory he had placed the final full stop on his final exam paper. John Paul whispered a silent thanks to whatever powers or gods is was that had returned him to this life for allowing him to retain the memories of his teenage studies, the last thing he needed now was to fail his exams.

Looking to his right John Paul watched as Craig poured over his own paper, seemingly checking his words for any errors before time was called.

Over a month had now passed since that day. Days and weeks of pretending nothing had happened, of pretending they were still just the good friends they had always been. And when other people were around that pretence came easily. The jokes, the laughter and the friendship wasn't so difficult to carry off. It was when they were alone, when it was just the two of them and John Paul found himself lost in the depths of Craig's soft brown eyes that it became difficult. That was when John Paul felt trapped, ready to scream or run or just do something. Anything but this. Anything but the waiting. But at the same time he knew, John Paul knew that he had to be patient, he had to wait and see if Craig was willing, no if he was able, to take the next step.

Turning his head Craig noticed he was being observed. Two bright blue eyes were watching him intently and Craig felt warmed under their gaze. Whenever he looked into John Paul's eyes the world seemed to stop mattering for a while. He would feel safe and protected, but mostly he would loved and he knew that was a feeling he didn't want to give up. What he still didn't know was if it was something he was strong enough to hold on to. Neither of them had mentioned what had happened between them that day, not since John Paul had dragged Craig into the classroom and kissed him with a gentle love that he could still feel against his lips. Craig knew that John Paul was giving him time to think. The only problem was, thinking wasn't making it any easier.

* * *

John Paul sipped his pint slowly as he looked around the table at his friends. There were times, like this, when he felt so apart from them, removed from their lives and a mere observer of the days events.

He had lived an entire lifetime that they knew nothing about, he had been witness to things that none of them were aware of and he wished, more than anything, that he could just be one of them again. That he could just be John Paul McQueen.

Hannah looked at her ex-boyfriend from beneath her lashes, turning her face quickly away when he caught her eye and smiled.

She still hadn't forgiven him for talking to Suzanne. But John Paul could live with that. If his words had made even the slightest difference, if they could save her even one moment of pain, then Hannah's anger towards him was a small price to pay.

"Hey, John Paul, why don't you call Spike, tell him to come and join us?" Sarah's voice cut into John Paul's thoughts and he turned his attention to the young dark haired woman, trying desperately not to notice how her fingers were entwined with Craig's.

"Actually I've been meaning to tell you guys," John Paul said, shuffling uncomfortably in his chair, "I split up with Spike."

"Why?" Sarah enquired in a voice filled with sympathy. A sympathy that made John Paul feel ashamed.

"It just wasn't working out, that's all," John Paul explained, his words were directed at Sarah but their meaning was solely for Craig. They might not have been the words John Paul spoke, but the words that Craig heard sounded like "It wasn't working out because I'm in love with Craig."

Pulling his hand from Sarah's hold Craig cradled his pint, his eyes resting of the soft foamy top as he tried in vain to reconcile the feelings of his heart with the logic of his head.

* * *

Slumping down onto the sofa John Paul sighed. He had left the pub early, unable to stand Sarah's sympathetic looks any longer, but more than that, unable to take watching Craig kissing his girlfriend one more time.

Rubbing his hands over his face John Paul wondered if he hadn't made a huge mistake. Perhaps that hadn't been the one event he should have changed. Maybe his life would have been easier if he had taken it back further, returning to the day he first met Craig Dean, when they had first spoken. Should he have changed that event? Should he have turned away instead of speaking to Craig that day?

It certainly would have made things simpler if he had never started down the path of friendship that had brought him to this moment, brought him to so many moments where he had let his heart rule his head.

Perhaps now was the time to let go of the dream.

Closing his eyes John Paul let his head fall back as an unexpected wave of exhaustion washed over him. He groaned at the sound of someone knocking at the door.

"Oh just leave me alone," John Paul mumbled as he got to his feet. He should have known better than to hope for a moments of peace in the McQueen house, he had never been able to get one before.

Opening the front door John Paul was greeted by a four-pack of lager being pressed into his chest.

"Craig? What are you doing here? Where are the girls?"

"Gone home to sleep it off, the lightweights," Craig replied with a giggle as he entered the house.

"Why are you here?"

"Thought we'd have a drink," Craig replied casually, pulling one of the cans from it's plastic restraint and popping it open. "Just you and me… mates."

"Mates?"

"Yeah…"

"Cause that's what we are," John Paul said solemly as he opened a can and took a deep drink.

"Well aren't we?" Craig asked, his eyes catching John Paul's gaze, fixing them both in place until neither could move or even breathe.

"I don't… I don't know… I thought I…" John Paul took a deep breath and, after swallowing another mouthful of lager, he put down his can and walked to the window. "I thought that being just your friend would be enough," he said quietly. "I thought that… I don't know… if I at least had that then it would be OK…"

"But it's not?" Craig's voice was low in John Paul's ear and the heat of his body seemed to scorch John Paul's back.

"No… it's not," John Paul admitted sadly. "I can't be just your friend Craig… it's too hard… seeing you every day… not being able to…" Closing his eyes John Paul shook his head. "Maybe… after you go to Trinity and we get some distance between us… maybe then we can be friends again…"

"No." Craig voice was strong and definate.

"No?"

"I don't want to be your friend John Paul McQueen," Craig said confidently, his hands gripping the younger man's shoulders firmly and turning him around until they stood face to face.

"You don't?" John Paul replied in a trembling voice.

"No I don't." Craig hands moved from John Paul's shoulders to curl around the back of his neck. Craig's eyes were the deepest, softest brown that John Paul ever remember seeing and their gaze seemed to wrap the man in warmth.

"So what do you want?"

"You…" Craig's kiss was firm but gentle, his tongue tickling lightly over John Paul's lips as they parted to welcome it inside.

A moment's doubt clawed at the back of John Paul's mind and he pushed Craig from him.

"I can't do this… not if you're not sure… not if… not if we have to hide away, or lie, or…"

Craig smiled, and in that smile was a certainty that John Paul had never seen before.

"I'm sure," Craig said, stepping forward to reclaim his kiss, his lips only a hairs breath from John Paul's as he whispered the words he had said so many times recently in his dreams. "I love you."

Craig's kiss was soft and full of unspoken promises. His lips were pressed gently to the warmth of John Paul's mouth as the tip of his tongue danced against it. The world froze for an instant as the two men embraced, releasing the passion that had been held in check for too long, their arms holding each other tightly and never wanting to let go again.

John Paul's felt as if Craig's kiss was breathing life back into him. Reminding him how it felt to really be alive, making his heart race and his pulse quicken until everyone and everything was forgotten, hidden under a cloud of love and desire.

This was what he had been waiting for since that moment he had opened his eyes in the kitchen of his family home. It was what he had been waiting for since the first moment he had ever drawn breath and it terrified him.

Craig loved him. He had said so. And he meant it. John Paul knew he meant it, he could see it in the depths of those gentle brown eyes, he could taste it on the sweetness of those soft pink lips and he could feel it in every beat of Craig's heart as he held the man close to him.

This time it could work, they could make it work and they could find the happiness that had once been so cruelly denied them. This time it would be different, it was all different.

With a barely audible whimper John Paul pressed his hands against Craig's chest and pushed him back, making the older man stumble slightly.

"Nothing's different," John Paul whispered breathlessly to himself.

"John Paul what's wrong?" Craig asked in confusion, his hands reaching out uncertainly to the man who stepped back from him, almost in fear. "Please… I don't understand, I thought we… I thought you…"

Wrapping his arms around his chest in an attempt to quell the ache in his chest John Paul turned his back on the pleading chocolate eyes that observed him. The emotions that assaulted John Paul were unbareable, each one raining down on him, hope and doubt, love and fear, the tantalising hint that this might actually work which was quickly swamped by the memory of the time it didn't.

"John Paul?" Craig's voice was low, a pained whisper as he again placed his hands lightly on his friend's shoulders.

"I'm sorry," John Paul said quietly. Craig's hands felt heavy, holding him down and tethering him to reality, but at the same time their touch was feather light, holding the promise of a gentle caress if only he would accept it.

"Tell me what's wrong… please, just talk to me…" Craig gripped John Paul's shoulders tightly, his head was swimming and the strength he gained from touching his friend was the only thing keeping him from falling.

Telling John Paul how he felt has been the most difficult and yet most natural thing in the world to do. Seeing the love that glistened from John Paul's brilliant blue eyes had made Craig's heart take flight but the sudden look of doubt had brought it crashing back to reality.

"Can you really do this Craig?" John Paul asked, not daring to turn and face the man behind him for fear that his resolve would crumble and he would allow himself to claim the love he so desperately needed. "Can you? Can you walk down the street holding my hand… can you kiss me and not worry about who might be watching, who might be judging? Can you tell your mum, and Jake, how you feel about me and accept the look of disappointment in their eyes?"

"I want to…"

"But that's not what I asked… Can you?"

Turning slowly John Paul saw the unshed tears shining in Craig's soft brown eyes, he recognised them instantly because the matched the ones in his own heart.

"Can you Craig?" John Paul's fingers trembled as they stroked against the softness of Craig's cheeks.

"I don't know," Craig admitted, "How can I know until I try?"

"But what if you can't… I couldn't take that again…"

"Again?"

"I mean I…" John Paul shook his head to try and chase away some of the confusion, "I couldn't stand it Craig… if we got so close and then… and then you couldn't…"

"At least let me try," Craig said, leaning forward to touch his lips softly against John Paul's mouth again. "Help me try… John Paul this… this can't stop, what we have between us… I need you… I love you…"

"And Sarah?" Asking the question felt like slicing through his own chest but he had to know, to be sure.

"What?"

"You love Sarah… so what happens there?"

"I did… I do… I mean… it's different. What I feel for her, it doesn't come close."

"Then tell her…"

"I can't just…"

"I don't mean about us… not yet anyway, that would be cruel… but tell her it's over. I can't be the person you cheat with. We have to be more than that. It got to be me or Sarah, you have to choose."

Craig's lips curled into a soft smile, his eyes sparkling with love as he cupped John Paul's face gently in both hands, kissing him with more than just desire but with affection and love. "It's you… I choose you."

"Really?"

"Of course… I'll see Sarah tomorrow, break up with her… I can't not be with you John Paul. You're all I think about, what I dream about… When I…" Craig's eyes flicked down and a slight pink blush rose to his cheeks before he turned his gaze back to the magic of John Paul's eyes. "When I touch myself it's your face that I see… it's you that I want to be with."

* * *

"I should really be going," Craig said relucantly and without actually making any effort to move.

John Paul tightened his arms around the older man. "I suppose," he agreed with a sigh.

"Mum's gonna be wondering where I am…"

"Yeah…"

"And I can't really stay here all night…"

The words hung in the air for a moment, the implications weighing heavy on both of them.

They had been lying in a comfortable embrace on the McQueen's sofa for the last few hours, enjoying the closeness and comfort of each other's arms. Kissing softly and gently but holding back more in the knowledge that once they began neither of them would have the strength to stop.

John Paul closed his eyes pressing his mouth to the top of the Craig's head as it rested against his chest. The warm scent of the man sent John Paul's senses racing and he wanted nothing more than to take Craig to his bed and share the love that was raging through him, to hold onto him all night and to wake with him in his arms the next morning.

"We can't, not yet," John Paul said, forcing the words from his lips.

"I know… it's just…" Craig eased himself upright to look deeply into John Paul's eyes. "I didn't know that I could want anyone this much… that I could want YOU this much…"

John Paul swallowed hard. It would be so easy to give in. It was what he wanted, what they both wanted and Craig was going to end things with Sarah the next day, why should they deny themselves for the sake of a few hours?

"I'll tell her tomorrow… I'll do it tomorrow… why can't I have both… it wasn't the right time…" Words from another life echoed through John Paul's mind and he pushed himself to his feet. They had to do it right this time, he couldn't take the chance, he had to be certain, THEY had to be certain.

"I'll see you tomorrow Craig," John Paul said as he pulled the man up and, still holding onto his hand, led him to the front door.

Craig smiled, stopping John Paul from opening the door by pushing him against it. Their mouths crashed hard as their bodies pressed against each other, moan mingling between them as their tongues rolled together. John Paul's fingers fought their way under Craig's shirt, clawing at his flesh with despiration as the heat of Craig's skin seemed to burn his fingers.

With a groan Craig pulled back. His cheeks were flushed with lust and his chest heaved with heavy pants. John Paul's lips looked pink and swollen from the force of his kiss and he had to look away to stop himself from claiming them again.

With shaking hands John Paul pulled open the front door, welcoming the rush of cool air that greeted his overheated body.

"I'll call you," Craig panted as he stepped over the threshold. "As soon as I've… I'll call you…"

"I'll be waiting…"

* * *

The sun beat down, warming John Paul as he walked slowly towards the centre of Hollyoaks village. The air was still and held the fragrant hint of flowers that tickled his senses as he moved.

John Paul lifted his face towards the suns rays and was surprised to see that the sky was cloudy and overcast, he had been so certain it was sunny but he knew instantly that it hadn't been the sunshine that had been warming him.

A couple of hours earlier he had been greeted by a text message from Craig. A simple message, only three words long, but it made his heart swell with happiness.

John Paul let a small sigh fall from his lips. He felt some guilt over Sarah, despite everything she didn't deserve to get her heart broken and John Paul was certain that was how she would feel. But at the same time he couldn't walk away from the only love he had ever, would ever, know for the sake of someone else's feelings. John Paul knew that Sarah would get over her heartbreak, just like he knew he never could.

Turning his phone over in his pocket John Paul wondered where Craig was at that moment. Was he on his way to Sarah's, was he telling her right now, was it over and was he on his way to the McQueens? For the hundreth time John Paul considered phoning to check how it was going and for the hundreth time he didn't. Craig had said he would call, John Paul had to be patient, he had waited this long a little while longer should be easy. And in the meantime he would stock up on some snacks and drinks for his room because once he got Craig in there again he didn't know how long it would be before either of them wanted to leave.

Approaching the centre of the village John Paul instantly spotted Craig sat at one of the tables outside Il Gnosh. The dark haired man was alone, his gaze turned to the tables surface as his fingertips traced a lazy pattern. John Paul paused for a moment, admiring the man he adored from a distance and feeling that familiar surge of love rushing through his body.

Craig's gaze lifted from the tabletop as the door to the restaurant opened and John Paul stepped back into the shadows as he saw Sarah, two coffees in her hands, approaching the table. Placing the drinks down Sarah leant forward, kissing Craig deeply, her hand slipping to the back of his head to pull him close as Craig's hands stroked gently over her hips.

John Paul gasped as a sharp blade pierced his chest, his hand reaching up, in an attempt to stop the blood that must surely be pouring from his wounded heart. Instead he felt nothing but the fabric of his shirt and the empty ache that wouldn't even allow tears to form in his eyes.

As Sarah took her seat Craig reached across the table and took hold of her hands. Even from a distance John Paul was certain that he could see the gentle love in Craig's eyes, the love that had been directed at him only the night before, and he knew with a painful certainty that some things were beyond his power to change.


	4. Chapter 4

John Paul's knuckles were red and swollen. His bare chest glistened with sweat and his teeth ground together in a grimace. His eyes appeared glazed as he stared ahead of him, seeing nothing but the images that played over and over in his head on a continual loop designed to drive him insane.

As each blow connected with the supple leather of his punch bag John Paul's muscles screamed out in pain, desperate for respite as he had been attacking the inanimate object for well over fourty minutes. With each punch John Paul's hands suffered fresh waves of torment as the damaged skin was assaulted anew.

But the pain wasn't enough. The physical discomfort of his body stubbornly refused to cancel out the agony of the gaping wound that had ripped through his heart. John Paul welcomed each hit of pain, taking the punishment that he deserved for thinking things could be different.

He blamed himself, he should have known that he didn't deserve better, that he wouldn't get better. He was destined to fail and he should have just accepted that fact.

What made him think that this time Craig would choose him? He never had been able to before. What made John Paul McQueen so arrogant to believe that someone like Craig Dean would willingly give up on the life he knew just to be with him? In a previous life John Paul had cruelly forced the issue, at least this time he could walk away before any real damage was done. This time he would leave Craig alone.

"Your phone's switched off."

John Paul's fist hesitated in mid-air for a second, before landing a fierce blow that sent the punch bag reeling.

"John Paul… I said your phone's switched off."

"I heard you." John Paul rained down a torrent of anger and frustration against the red leather bag as he spoke through gritted teeth.

"Is everything alright?" Craig stepped nervously into John Paul's bedroom. There was something in the younger mans stance that intimidated him.

"What are you doing here?"

"I said I'd call… but your phone was off…"

"And?"

"John Paul what's going on?" Craig moved forward slowly. John Paul's shoulders were hunched and tense as he continued to batter at his punch bag and he flinched violently as Craig reached out to touch him.

"What do you want Craig?" John Paul asked bitterly, refusing to turn around, as the sight of those brown eyes would surely kill him, one way or another.

"I don't understand I…"

"I saw you." John Paul spat the words out in a hostile accusation.

"Saw me what?"

"You and Sarah… outside Il Gnosh… I saw you…"

"Oh… and?" Craig's hand continued to rest on John Paul's shoulder and he could feel the younger man's trembling tension.

"You were all over each other… I can't do this again…" With a sigh John Paul let his bruised hands fall to his sides.

"We weren't all over each other," Craig objected. "And what d'you mean again, what are you talking about?"

John Paul span around quickly, his action causing Craig to step back startled.

"Don't lie to me," John Paul barked, anger flashing in his brilliant blue eyes, "I saw you… you practically had your tongue down her throat…"

"She kissed ME," Craig countered, an anger of his own beginning to rise within him. How dare John Paul accuse him like that?

"And you couldn't refuse…"

"What did you want me to do? Push her away?"

"No, what I wanted you to do was what you said you were going to…"

"But I…"

"Let me guess… it wasn't the right time, you'll tell her tomorrow, she's going through a lot with her family and you didn't want to upset her…"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Craig snarled, his hands slamming against John Paul's bare chest before he even realised that he'd raised them.

John Paul staggered back until he collided with the punch bag, swaying a little as it halted his progress.

"I can't do this OK… I can't be your bit on the side while you decide if you really want to dump your girlfriend or not…"

"I never asked you to…"

"No, but you expect it though… well not this time Craig… I won't be some experiment as you decide if you fancy being gay or not…"

"Fuck you!" Craig growled, moving forward until he was only inches from the younger man, their heated pants mixing together between them as their chests heaved with anger and frustration. "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

"Me? You're the one who doesn't know who he is…"

"And what's that supposed to mean…"

"Just say it Craig… just admit you couldn't do it… that you couldn't choose."

Craig's hands grabbed at John Paul's shoulders, his fingers gripping tightly onto the flesh that was still damp with sweat. The anger reflected back and forth between their eyes, mirrored into eternity with no beginning or end.

"I chose you," Craig said between gritted teeth, his fingers digging so deeply into John Paul's shoulders that the pressure was bound to leave marks, "I went and saw Sarah and I broke her heart… for you…" With a shove John Paul was once again pushed into the unsteady support of the punch bag, its cracked leather cover cool against his heated skin.

"What the hell did I do that for?" With another push Craig released his hold and turned his back on the man he had just given up everything for only to receive a slap in the face for his efforts.

"Craig I…" John Paul stood motionless. Craig had done exactly what he'd asked and still John Paul has managed to ruin it. "I thought… I…"

"What?" Anger smouldered in Craig's deep brown eyes as he spun back around. "What did you think?"

"That you wouldn't… that I wasn't worth it… that I…"

"I chose you," Craig repeated in a softer voice, the anger in his eyes fading but the smouldering look lingering on. "Because I love you… I want you…"

"Craig I…"

"Shut up…"

"What?"

"I said shut up…"

Craig's mouth crashing hard against John Paul's prevented any further discussion as the adrenalin that had been fuelled by anger was quickly put to a much better use.

John Paul's hands clawed at Craig's back, frustrated by the presence of the older man's leather jacket he struggled to push it from Craig's shoulders without breaking the contact with his mouth. Their kiss was hot and frantic as the need that they had both been fighting to suppress was finally given free reign over them.

Craig moaned softly as John Paul's hands found their way under his shirt to caress the hot skin beneath, a deep lusty sound that radiated throughout John Paul's groin making him ache with desire.

The two men stumbled back a few steps colliding once again with the punch bag as John Paul fumbled with the buttons of Craig's shirt, finally exposing the taught muscular chest beneath. Dropping Craig's shirt to the ground John Paul pulled him in close, their bare skin pressing together as the heavy drumming of their hearts beat out a steady rhythm between them.

Craig was breathless and flushed as he broke from the kiss.

"God… John Paul…" Craig looked at John Paul with wide-eyed amazement. How could one person make him feel so many things and with such intensity? The younger man's bright blue eyes seemed to see deep into his very soul, but rather than feel vulnerable and exposed under such a gaze Craig felt safe and loved. He felt like he was home.

John Paul's chest was still damp with sweat as Craig stroked his hands over it, marvelling at the feeling of another man's body beneath his fingers. He kept waiting for the wrongness of the situation to hit him, for a feeling of discomfort or disgust, but it never came. All that he could feel was the love that sang out with every beat of John Paul's heart and the growing desire that increased as his hands moved lower over John Paul's belly until they came to rest against the waist band of his jeans.

The men's eyes met, their look saying everything that their mouths didn't need to or that their voices couldn't find the words for. Craig's hands slowly, nervously, slipped open John Paul's belt before shaking fingers unfastened the button at the top of his jeans and eased down his zip.

John Paul's hand rested gently on top of Craig's, halting the man's progress for a moment.

"We don't have to," he said gently. He could see the nervousness in Craig's deep brown eyes and he could feel the fear trembling through his soft gentle hands.

"I want to," Craig replied quietly, his gaze flickering down to where his hands were poised to touch another man more intimately than he ever thought he would, "It's just…"

"Just?"

"What if I'm…" Craig's cheeks flushed with embarrassment, "What if I'm no good or… or do it wrong or…" Craig's words trailed off as the pink of his cheeks grew deeper.

"Craig," John Paul said with a gentle laugh, "Do you love me?"

"What? Yes… I…"

"Then tell me…"

"I…" Craig raised his eyes back to John Paul's deep azure stare and gasped as a rush of love seemed to consume him. "I do… I… I love you…"

John Paul smiled, his eyes sparkling brighter than ever before.

"Then it'll be perfect," he said simply. "We'll be perfect… I love you Craig Dean… more than anything…"

John Paul released his hold of Craig's hands to cup the man's face lightly, kissing him with an intensity that made his head spin and his groin throb. A growl echoed deep in John Paul's throat as Craig's soft fingers slipped inside his boxers to curl lightly around his growing erection.

John Paul had forgotten how it felt to be touched like that, to be wanted like that. A sudden confusion washed through his mind. Hadn't there only ever been Spike before? He had some vague recollections of other men touching him, entering him, using him, but that couldn't be right, that had never happened. First there was Spike and now Craig, just the two of them, only ever the two of them. As quickly as the thoughts entered John Paul's mind they were pushed away as Craig's confidence grew and his grip around John Paul's cock tightened.

"Oh god!" John Paul's head fell to Craig's shoulder as the man's hand stroked up and down his length. Pushing his foreskin over the head of his cock and then gently easing it back.

"It this OK?" Craig whispered softly. In truth holding another man's cock in his hand felt strange, alien even, but the quiet moans of pleasure that slipped from John Paul's lips made him feel incredible, just knowing that he could make another person make those kind of sounds.

John Paul forced his head up from the support of Craig's shoulder to look at the man he adored beyond reason. "Perfect," he replied with a smile. "Absolutely perfect."

Craig was hardly aware of John Paul's hands at his trousers until he felt the waist band of his boxers eased downwards, causing his firm cock to slap back up against his belly and strong fingers wrapping tightly around it.

The men's mouths crashed together again, tongues dancing together as they masturbated each other slowly and tantalisingly, neither man wanting to go any faster for fear that the pleasure would be over too soon.

"Craig," John Paul panted, breathlessly pulling back from the kiss. "Get over to the bed…"

"What?"

John Paul's eyes were dark with desire and the sight of them made Craig shiver with lust.

"Get on the bed," John Paul instructed in a firm voice that offered no refusal. "And get those trousers off…"

Walking quickly to the bed Craig perched on the edge as he pushed his trousers and boxers from his legs, pulling of his shoes and socks at the same time, until he was he was sat completely naked with his arousal standing out proudly, its tip glistening with droplets of precum as John Paul walked slowly towards him.

"Lie back," John Paul whispered as he stripped himself of his own clothing, standing at the edge of the bed as Craig shuffled his way into its centre.

John Paul swallowed heavily. He had never seen anything more beautiful or more desirable in his entire life than the figure of Craig Dean lying naked on his bed. He felt mesmerised by the sight before him as he drank in every inch of the man's toned, taught body, burning it into his memory for fear that he might never get the chance again.

"Are you just gonna stand there looking at me?" Craig asked with a laugh that was part amusement and part embarrassment. Nobody had ever looked at him like that before, with such pure love and total desire and he was afraid that they might never do again.

"You're beautiful," John Paul breathed as he climbed onto the bed and, gently easing Craig's legs apart, knelt between them. "Really beautiful."

"John Paul!" Craig objected as a fresh wash of pink flooded his cheeks. Nobody had ever called him beautiful before, but then nobody had ever made him feel beautiful before. He'd always been the geek, the swot, Jake's brother, Frankie's son, the chancer, the joker… for the first time he felt like Craig. For the first time he felt whole.

"Beautiful," John Paul insisted as walked his hands up Craig's sides, feathering the man's body with kisses until their mouths were once again in line.

Craig groaned softly as the full weight of John Paul's body pressed down on him, the firmness of the man's cock rubbing against his own as John Paul once again claimed his mouth.

John Paul ran his tongue softly over Craig's lips, tasting their sweetness before plundering the depths of his hot mouth, devouring him with a hunger that seemed unquenchable, a hunger that grew more desperate the more he feasted.

Craig whimpered as John Paul's lips and tongue trailed down his neck, teeth nipping at his soft flesh making him cry out in pleasured pain before another moan rose in his throat as John Paul's mouth sucked against his skin.

Craig closed his eyes, his fingers curling into the duvet as John Paul attempted to consume every inch of him. His hot tongue running over Craig's chest, teeth nipping at the hardened nipples before sucking gently against them. John Paul's mouth moved lower, his tongue darting into Craig's belly button as it passed before arriving as his intended destination.

Casting a glance back towards the top of the bed John Paul smiled at the sight of his lover. Craig's eyes were still closed and his mouth hung slightly open as his breaths came in deep heavy pants. Never taking his eyes from Craig's face John Paul lowered his mouth to run his tongue along the length of the older man's cock. Bathing it in his saliva from base to tip in one firm sweeping motion.

Craig gasped loudly, his fingers curling tighter into the duvet at the incredible sensation that vibrated throughout the length of his body. John Paul blew a teasing stream of warm air over the head of Craig's cock, lowing his eyes to watch as the precum poured temptingly from its tip, inviting him to taste, to enjoy and to devour.

With a single movement Craig's cock was enveloped in the wet heat of John Paul's mouth, making him cry out with surprised pleasure, his eyes springing open as he raised himself up slightly to watch with awe as John Paul seemed to swallow him whole.

John Paul sucked gently against the thickness that filled his mouth to perfection, the salty sweet juices tricking onto his tongue as he took Craig's cock deeper into his throat, revelling in the sounds of abandoned pleasure that tumbled from Craig's lips.

"Oh god John Paul that's…" Words failed Craig as he fell back against the mattress and gave himself completely to the attentions of John Paul's mouth.

It wasn't that Craig had never been given a blowjob before, but it had always seemed something to be performed with reluctance and simply to "keep him happy". Whereas John Paul lapped along his length with relish, his mouth bobbing up and down on Craig's cock as if enjoying the most delectable delicacy ever offered to him.

John Paul breathed deeply, the scent of Craig's musk overwhelming his senses until he was aware of nothing but the taste, touch and smell of the other man. Until he wanted to know of nothing other than how much pleasure he could give the man he loved.

"Oh fuck John Paul I think I'm gonna…" Craig's words growled deep in his throat as the heavy weight of his balls seemed to throb and contract, threatening to explode and release their lusty load at any second.

With some reluctance John Paul pulled back, allowing the length of his lover's cock slip from his lips and slap wetly back against Craig's belly. Craig let out a groan of disappointment as he looked down at John Paul, his dark eyes questioning the man's apparent change of heart.

John Paul smiled. A deeply seductive look that made Craig's toes curl and his cock throb anew. John Paul's eyes were dark, the bright blue almost entirely eclipsed by the desire that glistened in them.

"I want you Craig," John Paul said quietly. "I want you so bad… I want to feel you inside me… deep inside me… if… if you think… if that's what you want…" A touch of uncertainty echoed through John Paul's words as Craig swallowed deeply at the suggestion.

"I don't know," Craig admitted nervously. "What if I… I'm not sure I… I want to, but I'm not sure if I…"

John Paul smiled again as he made his way slowly back up the bed to press his hot mouth against Craig's soft lips.

"I'll show you," he whispered into Craig's ear. "I want to feel you make love to me…"

Craig heart was racing wildly as John Paul reached over to his bedside cabinet and pulled open a drawer, extracting a small bottle he raised himself to straddle Craig's thighs before flipping the cap from the bottle and pouring a slow trickle of the cool oily liquid over the head of Craig's cock.

Craig gasped as the liquid dribbled down him, moaning gently as John Paul's fingers massaged it into his length until it was completely coated.

Never taking his eyes from Craig's John Paul poured at little more oil onto his fingers before reaching behind him and pressing it between his buttocks. His tight puckered opening twitched with anticipation at the pressure of his finger, which slid inside him as he increased the pressure. Craig watched, silent and breathless, as John Paul pushed his finger deeper into himself, spreading the oily liquid further until he couldn't wait another second.

"I love you Craig," John Paul said as he lifted himself to his knees and shuffled forward to align the head of Craig's cock to his oily entrance.

"John Paul I love…" Craig's words were lost in a deep moan as John Paul lowered himself down, his tight opening resisting for a second before allowing the fullness of Craig's cock to penetrate deep inside him.

John Paul held his breath as his body stretched to accommodate Craig's thick hard cock, the initial discomfort quickly passing as the pleasure of having such a cock, of having Craig's cock, inside his body made him moan loudly.

Craig gripped onto John Paul's thighs as the man's hot tight passage devoured him, consuming him completely until his cock was encased inside the most perfect housing he had ever known. Their mouths crashed together in a hot frantic kiss, only to be separated as they gasped for air.

"Oh fuck John Paul…" Craig gasped as the younger man began to rise and fall against him, slowly at first but gradually increasing pace until both men were flushed and glistening with sweat.

John Paul gripped onto his own cock as he continued to ride the thickness inside him, crying out each time the head of Craig's cock touched against his prostate, and running his hand faster and faster over his length as he increased the speed with which he rose and fell against Craig.

"John Paul I'm not gonna be able to…"

"Me neither…"

"Oh my god…"

"Fuck you feel so good…"

"Don't stop… shit don't stop… I'm gonna…"

"Oh god Craig…"

With a cry of his lover's name John Paul came hard. His lust spattering against Craig's chest in a torrent of hot desire as his body contracted around Craig's throbbing cock.

"John Paul… yes… fuck…" Craig's fingers dug deeply into John Paul's thighs as he bucked his hips violently, driving his cock deep inside the younger man as it pulsed wave after wave of pleasure into John Paul's perfect body.

The room fell quiet, save for the sounds of heavy breathing, as John Paul slowly lifted himself from Craig's quickly deflating cock and fell onto the bed beside him.

"Christ!" John Paul exclaimed after taking a moment to catch his breath.

"Was I OK?" Craig asked, turning his flushed face to the gentle blue-eyed man at his side.

John Paul smiled as he kissed Craig's soft tender lips. "Absolutely perfect."

--

John Paul felt a strange and unrivalled contentment. His body was resting comfortably beneath his duvet, wrapping him in its gentle warmth as he slowly awoke from a slumber that he didn't recall taking.

He could tell through his closed eyelids that the room was growing darker and he wondered how long he had slept.

And then another sensation pushed its way to the front of John Paul's mind. The weight of a head resting against his chest and the warmth of another body curled around his.

John Paul's eyes snapped open as he looked down on the sleeping form of the man lying in his arms.

Craig Dean. Naked. In John Paul's bed.

John Paul gasped softly as he relived the feelings of making love to Craig for the first time. How his body, heart and soul joined together in a way that he never knew they could.

Craig mumbled softly into the warmth of John Paul's chest as he turned his face towards the blonde man, his deep brown eyes still sleepy but filled with contentment.

"Hi…" Craig whispered in a languorous voice as he looked up at the younger man who had turned his world upside down, making it far better than it ever had been.

"Hi," John Paul breathed back. He couldn't quite believe that he was lying with the man he adored in his arms and an unexpected panic gripped at him, making fear wash through him in a sudden torrent that gave him the urge to run.

"So is this…" John Paul paused as a series of words and images flashed through his mind, thing that hadn't happened, couldn't have happened and yet felt so very real that he couldn't deny the way they wrapped tightly around his heart. "Is this where you tell me it was all a mistake," John Paul continued, "and call me a faggot before you run off?"

"What? No…" Craig replied, his brow furrowing in confusion, "Why would you… when have I ever… I would never say that…"

"I'm sorry I just…" John Paul shrugged. With every passing day the memories of the life he had once lived retreated further and further from him until only the barest hints remained, taunting him with moments from a life he no longer recalled. "So was it… a mistake I mean?"

Craig raised himself up slightly, resting his head against his hand and looked down into the blue pools of John Paul's eyes, as deep and endless as the ocean but far more breathtaking.

"No," Craig replied with certainty, "No it wasn't… I mean before I…" Craig's cheeks flushed slightly and he averted his gaze.

"What?"

"Doesn't matter…"

"No go on… please…"

"I thought it'd feel… wrong, you know? Like, I don't know, weird or something…"

"And did it?" John Paul asked as he traced a finger over Craig's arm.

"No, it was like…" The pink of Craig's cheeks deepened and he laughed self consciously, "It was right, kinda… oh I don't know, this is silly…" Craig turned his embarrassed gaze to the hand that he rested against John Paul's chest. The soft tanned colour of his fingers contrasting sharply against the pale tone of John Paul's skin as he stroked it gently.

"Tell me," John Paul coaxed kindly.

Licking his lips self consciously Craig lifted his eyes back to John Paul's face and took a moment to bathe in the love that glowed from the younger mans gaze before he spoke again. His words still embarrassed but also certain and confident.

"Before you," Craig explained, "You know, with Sarah or Darlene… the sex was… well it was good but it was… is was just sex, I never felt…" Craig hesitated as he searched for the word.

"Connected?" John Paul suggested.

"Yeah," Craig nodded, that was it exactly, with John Paul he felt connected in a way he had never know or even been aware of. "I felt like I was…" Once again the blush in Craig's cheeks deepened and he had to look away. "Like I was making love," Craig finished in a quiet whisper.

John Paul smiled. Every atom of his body felt like it had exploded with sunlight, chasing away all of the dark corners and leaving him standing strong and safe in it's warmth.

"I'm glad," John Paul replied, touching his hand to Craig's flushed cheek and turning the man's face back to him. "Cause that's how I felt too…"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah…"

Craig's brown eyes sparkled as he stroked the palm of his hand over John Paul's chest, feeling the man's nipple harden to his touch. "Fancy feeling it again?"

John Paul laughed as Craig moved his face closer, the heat of the man's body scorching into John Paul's chest and making him shudder with the pleasure of it's burn.

The men's mouths met with tenderness, their lips pressing together gently and slowly parting as their tongues sought out the taste of each other.

Craig whimpered softly as John Paul's hands wrapped around his back, pulling him in closer until his body was pressed tightly against John Paul's as the intensity of their kiss deepened.

"John Paul can I borrow your mp…"

The men's heads snapped round at the sound of Michaela's voice and saw the young woman standing, open mouthed, as she observed the sight before her.

Her older brother, apparently naked, although thankfully the duvet was still covering enough to save her from complete shock, was lying in bed with his friend and the way that Craig was sprawled on top of John Paul there was no mistaking what she has just walked in on.

"MUM!" Michaela's voice reverberated around the house as she continued to stare unblinking at the men who frantically tried to untangle themselves from each other while staying under the cover of the duvet.

"Michaela shhh," John Paul whispered.

"MUM, quick!" Michaela shouted even louder. There was no way she was about to let this opportunity pass.

"Michaela please," John Paul pleaded, the last thing he wanted was for Craig to be outed like this, there was no knowing what it could do, it could ruin things even before they really had a chance to properly begin.

Reaching over the edge of the bed Craig scrabbled for his boxers and struggled to pull them on before swinging his legs out of the bed to continued dressing. His face was impassive and he didn't say a word.

John Paul mirrored Craig's actions as the sound of footsteps could be heard on the stairs.

"Michaela," Myra said in exasperation as she approached, "That voice of yours could wake the dead… now what is it?"

"Them two," Michaela said, pointing to the two men who were still only half dressed, "I caught them…"

"Caught them what?" Myra asked as she looked at her son and his friend, wondering for a moment why they were both looking so flustered and why they were topless, until the reality of the situation began to worm its way into her mind. "John Paul?" Myra asked quietly.

"Mum I…" John Paul scrambled for the words that refused to come.

"It's not…" Craig began. The words made John Paul flinch as he prepared to hear 'not what it looks like', or some other similar denial come from Craig's mouth. "It's not like we were doing anything wrong," Craig said turning to look at John Paul with a warm smile.

"John Paul?" Myra asked again as her son pulled a t-shirt on over his head and walked slowly to stand beside his friend who had now managed to find all of his clothing and was fully dressed. The men's hands seemed to gravitate towards each other and their fingers laced together in a subconscious act of mutual support.

"We're…" John Paul said and then turned his eyes back to Craig as if asking if it was alright to continue.

"We're together," Craig finished for him, his fingers curling tightly around John Paul's as a strange sense of calm washed over him. For a moment, seeing Michaela standing there and realising that everyone was about to find out about him, Craig had been terrified and a thousand excuses and lies had rolled through his mind but, when he finally opened his mouth to speak, he realised that he wanted, or maybe needed, to tell people the truth. He had been hiding how he felt about the amazing man beside him for too long and he couldn't do that any longer.

"Together?" Myra asked in breathless astonishment. "But aren't you seeing Sarah?"

"We broke up…"

"Because of..?"

"Yeah…"

"Oh!"

"Is that IT?" Michaela asked in disappointment as the fireworks she had anticipated failed to materialise and she stomped from the room in annoyance.

"I'm sorry mum," John Paul said, "I would have told you but… but we only just… we've only just…"

"Together?" Myra repeated, shaking her head as if trying to shake her thoughts together so that they would make some sense.

Myra looked into her son's face. For weeks now there had been something strange about him, something distant, as if he knew things that no one else did and as if he wasn't the same boy she had once loved. But now that seemed gone and all she could see shining from the depths of his blue eyes was the kind of happiness she had always dreamed of for her children. Taking a moment to look at Craig she could see a similar look in his gentle brown eyes and Myra found herself smiling.

"Does Frankie know?" Myra asked Craig kindly. Craig replied with a shake of his head, his bottom lip disappearing between his teeth as he chewed against it nervously.

"I suppose I should go and see her, before…" Craig didn't finish the sentence but they all knew what he was thinking, before Michaela had a chance to shoot her mouth off.

"D'you want me to come with you?" John Paul asked.

"Nah I… I think I should do this on my own," Craig said as he let go of John Paul's hand and moved towards the door. "I'll call you later yeah?"

"Yeah, and Craig I…" John Paul hesitated, suddenly feeling self conscious about expressing his feelings with his mother in the room.

Pausing in the doorway Craig smiled as he looked back at his new lover. "Me too," he replied, taking another look at the brightness of John Paul's eyes before finally stepping out of sight.


	5. Chapter 5

"Mum…"

Craig stood nervously in the doorway of the flat above the pub, his hands gripping the doorframe as he tried, unsuccessfully, to persuade his feet to cross the threshold.

As he had made his way home from the McQueen's house part of him had silently hoped that Frankie would be out, or too busy to talk, or just anything that would delay this moment for a little longer. He had tried to work out what to tell her, how to explain what had happened. But how could he when he didn't really understand himself. How could Craig make Frankie comprehend the change in his feelings for John Paul when, in truth, Craig didn't how or why that change had occurred?

All he knew was the way he felt when he was with John Paul. How alive he became, how complete and how all the fears just melted away. All he knew was how much his body craved John Paul's touch, his mouth John Paul's taste and his eye the sight of John Paul's smile.

All he knew was that he had fallen in love and it felt wonderful.

"Craig!" Frankie's eyes sparkled at the sight of her youngest son, her pride and joy.

"You busy?" Craig asked as he fidgeted in the doorway.

"What is it love?" Frankie replied, there was obviously something troubling Craig, she knew her son well enough to recognise the signs, the way his eyes flickered around the room, resting anywhere but on her, and the way he shifted from foot to foot as if he wasn't really sure that he wanted to be there.

"I wanted to talk to you…" Craig began. Taking a deep breath he forced himself into the room and made what felt like a long walk towards the sofa where Frankie was waiting.

"Go on then, " Frankie said with an encouraging smile as she patted the seat next to her.

"The thing is…" Craig began as he sat beside his mother, his hands clamped together on his lap and his gaze fixed firmly on his feet. "The thing is…"

"Yes?"

"Well what happened… you see… I… err… me and Sarah broke up." Craig blurted out the final words and immediately felt a sense of relief that he had at least managed to tell part of the story, and a total panic of where the rest of the tale would take him.

"Oh Craig," Frankie replied sympathetically as she squeezed Craig's hand. No wonder her son looked so upset and confused if he had just lost his girlfriend. "Oh I am sorry to hear that, Sarah's a lovely girl… why did she break up with you?"

Craig tried his best not to be offended that his own mother instantly assumed that it was Sarah who had dumped him, he might not have had the best track record in the past but that was hardly a reason for such an assumption was it?

"I broke up with her," Craig informed Frankie through slightly gritted teeth as he snatched his hand back from her touch.

"Oh?" Frankie paused for a moment before continuing. "What did she do? Did she cheat on you? I've always thought there was still something between her and that Rhys Ashworth…"

"No mum," Craig sighed, "It's nothing like that… it wasn't Sarah's fault… I… I kinda fell for someone else…"

Craig held his breath, his heart was racing as the moment of truth approached and he could feel his body begin to tremble. Why should he be so afraid of telling his mother that he was in love? Surely that was good news. Wasn't it?

"Oh I didn't realise," Frankie said with a half smile. She was pleased that Sarah hadn't broken her son's heart, but why was he acting so cagey about it all? What was it about this new girlfriend that Craig thought his mother wouldn't like?

As Frankie looked at her son he still steadfastly refused to meet her gaze, his eyes resting instead on his hands as he twisted them together in his lap.

"So who is this new girl?"

Craig swallowed heavily. That was it. That was the question, the one who's answer would either shock, disappoint or appal his mother, probably all three.

"Well that the thing," Craig began, his voice low and shaking slightly. "It's not… I mean… it's…" Closing his eyes Craig took a deep breath and, for a second, was calmed by a hypnotic sea of bright blue that bathed him in love. "It's not a girl…"

"What d'you mean not a…" Frankie's eyes widened. "Oh Craig… tell me you've not got yourself involved with some older woman… wasn't there enough of that with Becca and that Justin lad?"

"No," Craig replied, "No it's nothing like that…"

"Well that's a relief, so if it's not a girl then…" Frankie shrugged as the obvious truth of the situation seemed to completely elude her.

"Mum its…" Craig's gaze finally lifted to meet his mother's. He had to look her in the eyes for this moment; he had to see her reaction. He had to know. "It's John Paul…"

"What is?"

"The… the person that I'm seeing… the person I broke up with Sarah for… It's… it's John Paul…"

"McQueen?"

"Yeah…"

The silence was tangible, Craig could feel it slowly wrap around him until he thought he might suffocate. He held his breath waiting for the reaction, the anger, the disgust or maybe even the acceptance, what he didn't expect was the laugher.

"John Paul McQueen?" Frankie spluttered through laughs that shook her shoulders.

"Mum?" Craig said nervously, he couldn't understand his mother's strange reaction and it frightened him.

"John Paul McQueen," Frankie repeated as the worst of her laughter faded away. "For a second there Craig I thought you were being serious… come on now… tell me the truth, who's the new girlfriend?"

Craig sighed a feeling of defeat and despair washing over him at his mother's total rejection of the idea he could be having a relationship with John Paul.

"It wasn't a joke," Craig said quietly, his gaze returning to his hands, which gripped onto each other tightly and turned his knuckles white.

"Of course it is," Frankie replied dismissively.

"Mum really," Craig said, "I'm seeing John Paul… I'm WITH John Paul…"

"You can't be…"

"Well I am…"

"You're not gay!"

"I… I don't know what I am… but I know how I feel." Sneaking another look at his mother's face Craig winced when he saw the dark look in her eyes and he felt is strength begin to fail him.

"That poor boy," Frankie said unexpectedly.

"What?"

"That poor John Paul…"

"What? How… what d'you mean."

"How d'you think he's gonna feel Craig?"

"Feel? About what."

Gripping her son's shoulders Frankie looked deeply into his soft brown eyes. She could see a softness there that she had never witnessed before but she instantly chose to ignore it.

"How's he gonna feel when he realises that he's nothing but some sort of experiment…"

Craig's jaw dropped at his mother's words. She couldn't really think that he…

"It's all very well trying new things Craig, and experimenting with sexuality but that boy is gonna think you're serious, he's supposed to be your friend… you end things now Craig, before anyone gets hurt…"

"Mum you're not listening to me," Craig said, his eyes and voice pleading with her to understand. "Me and John Paul… it's serious…"

"You listen to me Craig and end it now…"

"No… I… we… mum I love him…"

"You don't even know what that means," Frankie snorted, her hand falling from her son's shoulders as she got to her feet. "I'm needed downstairs."

"Mum please…"

Craig watched dejectedly as his mother left the room. He hadn't expected her to be overjoyed at his news but nor had he expected her to be so dismissive of it.

"I love him…" Craig whispered to the empty room, his head falling into his hands as the first of his tears began to tumble."

"Craig? Is everything OK?"

Craig hadn't heard his sister approach but her sympathetic tone made his tears come heavier until his shoulders were shaking with his sobs.

"Hey, hey, what is it?" Steph asked gently as she knelt before her younger brother and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

"Why does she never listen?" Craig asked through his tears.

"Who? Mum…"

"Yeah…"

"What is it… what's happened…"

Lifting his face from his sister's shoulder Craig roughly brushed the tears from his face and looked into her kind gentle eyes. Steph could be selfish sometimes, and vain and even a bit thick, but Craig never doubted his sister's love for him.

"I… I told her something and, well she wouldn't believe it…"

"What did you tell her?"

Craig took a deep breath but somehow telling didn't feel as scary this time. Was it because he had managed it once, or just because it was Steph?

"I'm… I'm seeing someone… not Sarah, we broke up… it's erm…" Craig paused as an image of John Paul's smiling face filled his mind and the memory of John Paul's love filled his heart.

"Is it John Paul?"

"How… how did you?"

"I've seen how you've been around him recently… that and I heard you say 'I love him' when I came into the room." Steph smiled at her brother as she stroked his cheek gently. "Is it serious?"

"Yeah… I DO love him Steph."

"And he loves you?"

"He really does…"

"And does he make you happy?"

Craig smiled, his eyes suddenly sparkling as he considered the question.

"Steph I… I've never felt like this before… I get butterflies if he so much as looks at me, I feel alive when he touches me or when we kiss… and my god when we…" Craig suddenly stopped when he realised what he was about to say, his cheeks flushing a deep crimson as Steph giggled, partly in amusement and partly with embarrassment. The last thing she needed to hear about was her brother's sex life, no matter who it was with.

Hugging her brother tightly for a second Steph touched a soft kiss to his cheek.

"If you feel like that Craig, well then mum will just have to learn to accept it."

"And what if she doesn't?"

"She wants you to be happy… you just need to give her time to see that you are… and that it's John Paul who makes you happy."

"I hope you're right," Craig replied as Steph got to her feet and, after ruffling her brother's hair, left the flat.

Craig's mobile phone suddenly vibrated a message alert in his pocket and he smiled widely as he saw John Paul's name on the display.

"How's it going?" John Paul's message read.

"Not good," Craig replied, "You busy?"

"No… wanna meet?"

"You bet… Il Gnosh in 5?"

"See you there… Love you."

"Love you too xxx."

--

John Paul sat at a table outside Il Gnosh, his fingertips toyed absently with the coffee before him not noticing as the heat from the cup burned against his skin.

Chewing on his bottom lip the blond man surveyed the street with apprehension. Craig had said so little in his text but John Paul knew that Frankie hadn't taken the news of their relationship well. Not that he had expected any great celebrations, but a deep fear gripped at his stomach that the reaction of Craig's mother could be enough to end things before they had really had a chance.

"John Paul…"

The sound of his name from behind him made John Paul jump in his seat before turning around to face the person who addressed him.

The pretty girl half smiled as she looked at him, a look that seemed to be uncertain if she was happy to see him or not.

"Hannah…" John Paul said gently, his mouth curving upwards as he looked at her. Her eyes seemed brighter than they had a few weeks earlier when they had last spoken and the dark circles beneath seemed to have eased. "How are you? You… you look good…"

"I'm OK," Hannah replied cautiously as she moved to take the seat opposite her ex-boyfriend. "You shouldn't have said… what you did, to my mum the other week… you had no right…"

John Paul shrugged. He had known with absolute certainty that the pretty blonde girl was developing a serious eating disorder but now the details were foggy in his mind and he couldn't recall how he was privy to such information.

"I was just worried about you," John Paul explained, "Han I just want you to be alright… after everything you… you deserve to be happy…"

"I hated you, you know… for dumping me… for being gay… for telling my mum that…"

"I'm sorry for hurting you but I can't be sorry for the rest of it…"

The two ex-lovers sat in silence for a few minutes, lost in their own thoughts. Hannah tried hard not to look into the deep blue of John Paul's eyes. Every time she saw him he still made her heart skip a beat, she still longed to have back what they once shared, even if it had all been a lie, but she knew that she couldn't and she knew that, eventually, she would find the strength to move on.

"So what… what happened with your mum… you know after?" John Paul longed to reach across the table and take the young woman's hand in his, but he hesitated, afraid that his actions could be misinterpreted by someone who was obviously still so fragile.

"It was… difficult," Hannah replied quietly, her eyes falling to the tabletop, as her voice became little more than a whisper. "They started watching me… every mealtime, all the time… it was, I dunno, I felt like I had no privacy anymore…"

"I am sorry," John Paul said kindly, his hand finally reaching out to take Hannah's gently.

Lifting her eyes Hannah smiled for a second, a flash of the girl John Paul once knew shining out from beneath her lashes.

Hannah breathed deeply as she allowed herself a moment to enjoy the warmth of John Paul's hand on hers before withdrawing from his touch in case she remembered how much she still missed him.

"How are things now?" John Paul asked as he resumed toying with his drink.

"OK… I guess… I… I'm seeing a counsellor so… you know…" Hannah's cheeks flushed with embarrassment as she spoke, admitting that she was seeing a counsellor, that she NEEDED a counsellor, filled her with a sense of shame.

"I'm glad," John Paul said with sincerity, "Honestly Han, it's the right thing… and you'll be fine I… I just know it."

Rubbing her hand briefly over her face Hannah smiled shyly, a smile reminiscent of the young woman John Paul had tried so desperately to love.

"I suppose you've heard about Craig and Sarah splitting up," Hannah said suddenly in a need to steer the conversation in another direction.

"Yeah," John Paul replied uncomfortably, "Yeah I did… he… err… he told me earlier…"

"Sarah reckons he's seeing someone else…"

"Does she?"

"So?"

"What?"

"IS Craig seeing someone else, come on John Paul, he'd tell you…"

"Hannah I can't…" John Paul shuffled nervously in his seat and averted his eyes from Hannah's questioning stare.

"So he IS!" Hannah exclaimed, "You have to tell me who she is now…"

"Hannah please don't…"

A part of John Paul wanted to announce proudly that he was the new love in Craig's life, but how could he? How could he out Craig like that? How could he hurt Hannah like that? How could he really believe that any of this was going to work?

"Oh John Paul," Hannah said in a pitiful whine, "Come on, I won't tell Sarah… just between us… who is it?"

"Hannah you can't really expect me to betray Craig like that can you," John Paul said, clinging to the hope that Hannah would accept his reasoning and let the matter drop.

"I suppose," Hannah said with a pout. "But it's not like he can keep her a secret for long, they're bound to be seen about together…"

"I guess…" John Paul fell silent as he considered the blond girls words. Would Craig be happy for them to be seen as a couple in public or would he become the man's dirty little secret? The idea gripped John Paul with fear and for a second he struggled to catch his breath, the idea of Craig hiding away what they shared felt so real and immediate that John Paul could have sworn it had already happened.

"Alright you two?" Craig's voice was bright and cheerful as he approached and John Paul felt his face break into a wide grin as he turned to see the man approach.

"Hannah, looking gorgeous as ever!" Hannah giggled softly as Craig touched a soft kiss to her cheek before slumping into the one spare seat left at the table.

"Hi Craig," Hannah said, her eyes flickering to John Paul' for a moment before returning to Craig. "Sorry to hear about you and Sarah…"

"Yeah well," Craig smiled at John Paul as he spoke, an urge to lean over the table and kiss the man almost overwhelming. "Sometimes it just doesn't work out…"

"So it wasn't that…"

"What?"

"Well I was just wondering… you know… if there was someone else…" Hannah's grin was wide and Craig felt a tightness in his chest as he considered the possibility that John Paul had already told her. He wouldn't do that… would he? And if he had would it be so bad? Wasn't that what Craig wanted, for people to know, to be able to feel proud of who he loved. For a moment Frankie's words filled Craig's head. His mother's suggestion that his feelings for John Paul were nothing more than an experiment in sexuality.

But she was wrong. Frankie was wrong. What Craig felt wasn't an experiment or a game, he was in love, he had fallen in love and it felt like nothing he had ever known before.

"Yeah," Craig replied with a smile, "Yeah I'm… I'm seeing someone else…"

John Paul's eyes opened wide as Craig spoke, his gaze darting between his new boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend. He couldn't believe that Craig was really going to do it and John Paul felt like he was holding his breath as Hannah giggled gleefully.

"I knew it," Hannah said triumphantly, "So come on, spill… who is she?"

Craig grinned. He felt a sudden unexpected calm as he reached across the table and took a firm hold of John Paul's hand, the men's eyes meeting as their fingers laced together tightly.

John Paul looked stunned, his bright blue eyes sparkling with awe but also with such love that Craig felt proud to be holding his hand and blessed to be the recipient of such devotion.

"Hannah it's… it's not a girl…" Craig breathed, his words directed at Hannah but his attention totally focussed on John Paul.

Craig's heart raced in his chest as the reality of his words descended on the table and he knew in that instant that he didn't just want to tell Hannah, he wanted to tell the whole restaurant, he wanted to tell the whole village, he wanted to climb to the highest point and scream it from the top of his lungs.

He had fallen in love for the first time in his life and it felt like he was finally alive.

"It's not a…" Hannah's words died on her lips as she became aware of the look passing between the two men and saw their hands linked together on the tabletop. "Oh god… it's you…"

"Han I'm really sorry I…" John Paul didn't know what to say or if anything he could say would make a difference. He knew that Hannah wasn't over him yet and he feared that the knowledge of his relationship with Craig would cause her more hurt. But at the same time he was glad she knew, glad that she had been one of the first to know, he cared about her too much to keep this from her.

"No… no don't be…" Hannah stammered, her eyes wide as she observed her two friends. "I mean… wow I never… when, how… I never even…"

"I know," Craig said with a laugh, "It surprised me too… but you can't help who you fall in love with." Turning to face Hannah Craig's eyes held a look of sympathy and understanding for how the young woman must be feeling, after all she loved John Paul too. "You're OK with this aren't you Han?"

"I… I guess… I mean… you two… wow… oh god Sarah's gonna freak!" Hannah giggled suddenly as she anticipated her friend's reaction at finding out her ex dumped her for another man. Sarah's sympathy for Hannah when she had first discovered John Paul was gay had been fleeting and quickly turned to disinterest, and now, as shameful as it might be, Hannah allowed herself a moment of gloating as she realised that Sarah was about to find out exactly how that had felt. "I should go."

Getting to her feet Hannah observed the two men for another few seconds and she saw something between them that she had never witnessed before in her life. Despite being in such a public place Hannah felt like she was intruding in a private moment as Craig looked at the blond man whose hand he held tightly and smiled. His soft brown eyes shone with such total adoration that Hannah felt torn between intense jealousy but also such joy that John Paul had found love with the one person he truly wanted.

"Han you don't have to…" John Paul began but was cut off as Hannah touched a soft kiss to his cheek.

"I've got an appointment," she said with a sad smile that let John Paul know instantly what kind of appointment it was that she was keeping.

"See you later Craig," Hannah said flashing the dark haired man a bright smile, she really had never seen him look that happy before. "I am pleased for you," Hannah whispered quietly into John Paul's ear before squeezing his shoulder affectionately.

"Thanks Han…"

The men watched as the young woman walked away before turning to face each other again.

"Well I guess that means we're official," John Paul said in a teasing tone.

"I guess it does…"

"You OK with that?"

"It was me that told her…"

"I know but…"

"I'm not ashamed John Paul…"

"It wont be easy… people wont approve…"

"Like my mum you mean," Craig sighed as he spoke.

"She wasn't pleased then?" John Paul asked, squeezing Craig's hand tightly.

"She thinks I'm experimenting, that I'm gonna hurt you…"

"What did you tell her?"

Craig smiled as he raised his fingers to brush lightly over John Paul's cheek. "That I'm in love!"

"Yeah?"

"Well what else would I say? It's the truth…"

Turning his face John Paul kissed the palm that was resting against his cheek. "I can't believe this is really happening," he said. John Paul felt as if he was in a dream, the very fact that Craig Dean could love him seemed like a wonderful impossibility and yet he did and, as if to illustrate that point, Craig leant over the table, his hand slipping to the back of John Paul's neck as he pressed his mouth warmly against John Paul's lips, kissing him with a gentle passion that took both their breaths away.

"Well it is," Craig said with a small laugh as he realised that he had just kissed John Paul in the middle of the village where anyone could see and, rather than be concerned who had witnessed the exchange, he hoped that plenty of people had. "So, you gonna get me a coffee or what?"

--

John Paul held the letter in his hand, his eyes travelling over the words for a third time. It was the culmination of everything that he had worked so hard for over the past couple of years and now it was here it felt amazing.

It felt terrifying.

It felt heartbreaking.

Myra had been so proud of her son the day he had received his exam results and they had been enough, more than enough, to secure him a place at HCC, the first McQueen who had ever managed to pursue a dream of furthering their education.

And now, with the written confirmation of his place clutched tightly in one hand, John Paul's dream had become a reality.

There was only one thing that was making the dream less exciting than it had once been, one reason why John Paul wasn't singing for joy. Craig.

John Paul smiled as he recalled Craig's nervous anticipation at opening his exam results, his hands trembling with the fear of failure and then the laugh that told of Craig's success, achieving the grades that he had missed the previous year to be able to fulfil his own dream.

Unfortunately Craig's dream would take him to Dublin.

It seemed a cruel twist that now, so soon after finding love with the man he had adored for the past year, John Paul would have to lose him again, but he knew that he would never try and prevent Craig from going, he would never try and stand in his way of going to Trinity. Instead he would try his best to enjoy their last few weeks together and hope that what they had was strong enough to survive the separation.

John Paul's attention was pulled from his thoughts by a knock at the door and his heart leapt at the sight of the dark haired man who was waiting outside as he opened it.

"Hey." Craig stepped forward and touched a soft kiss to John Paul's lips before entering the house. A simple gesture but one that always sent John Paul's senses reeling in a way he couldn't quite explain. A part of him was always waiting or anticipating Craig shying away from touching him, but it never happened, and John Paul wasn't sure why he still expected it.

"Hi," John Paul replied with a grin. "I got my confirmation from HCC…"

Craig's eyes flicked to the letter that John Paul held out, his eyes shining with pride that they had both managed to secure places on the courses they had wanted. He knew that he would miss John Paul so much while they were apart but it was a sacrifice he knew they had to make to provide them both with a better future.

The smile died on Craig's face and he sighed. So much in his life had changed since meeting John Paul, most of it for the better, but there had been casualties along the way and he still regretted the fact that his own happiness came at the cost of someone else's pain.

"I saw Sarah before," Craig said quietly as he slumped onto the McQueen's sofa.

John Paul winced at the name. He had managed to avoid seeing the dark haired girl since the news of his relationship with Craig had become official and he knew that Craig had tried to do the same thing. As shameful as it was John Paul felt unable to face the girl he had considered a friend and whose boyfriend he had, for all appearances sake, stolen.

"How did it go?" John Paul asked as he sat beside Craig and instinctively reached for the older man's hand.

"Oh great… she's really happy for us!"

"Really?"

"Sarcasm John Paul… it you're gonna study English you really need to learn how to recognise these things!"

John Paul laughed quietly as he gave his boyfriend a playful shove. "So how did it really go?"

"Awful… she hates me…"

"She doesn't hate you…"

"No, you're right… she hates US…"

"I'm sorry," John Paul said sadly. Despite everything he knew that Craig still cared for the young woman he had, until recently, called his girlfriend and that he would be hurt at such feelings of animosity towards him.

"It's not your fault," Craig replied with a shrug.

"Isn't it?"

"It's not like you MADE me fall in love with you…"

John Paul's cheeks flushed at Craig's words. It was like a dream to hear Craig say such things and sometimes John Paul would be temporarily gripped with a fear that it was exactly that, a dream, and he would wake up any second to discover that his life was in reality a nightmare.

"So what did she say?" John Paul asked.

Craig sighed for a moment as he recalled the conversation with the girl who had once professed to love him.

--

Craig had left the pub just after midday, smiling as he stepped into the sunshine that seemed to wrap him in warmth and made the day feel that much brighter. The flowers outside the Dog were in full bloom and Craig breathed in their delicate scent as he set out on the short walk to the McQueen's house.

It was a journey he had made countless times before when he had been going to visit his friend, but how much sweeter that walk felt now that it was taking him to visit his boyfriend. The word still made Craig laugh to himself. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever anticipated falling for another man. Not once had he ever fantasised about being intimately touched by a man, if anything he would have claimed to find the idea repulsive. Until John Paul. What was it about that blue-eyed angel that had changed everything? How was it that now the thought of John Paul inside him, making love to him, made Craig's pulse race and his heart pound heavily in his chest?

With John Paul everything was so much more real, every emotion seemed magnified beyond measure, every touch was a sensation guaranteed to excite and every moment spent together made Craig more certain that this was the kind of love he had been waiting for. Man or woman it didn't matter. Craig was in love, more deeply in love than he had ever thought possible, and nothing had ever made him feel so alive.

"Well look who it is!"

Craig's footsteps faltered as the bitter tones of his ex-girlfriend rang in his ears.

"Sarah…" Craig stopped in his tracks, fighting the desperate urge to run. He had known that he would have to face her one day, but he had always hoped that when he did he would know what to say.

"Something you want to tell me?" Sarah spat. Her eyes were dark and filled with anger. She was right of course. He should have told her about John Paul himself rather than let her know through someone else but his cowardice had prevented him from ever making that call.

"Look I'm sorry… I should have…"

"Yes you should… did you enjoy making me look like an idiot?"

"I'm sorry I never meant…"

"So how long?"

"What?"

"How long were you screwing John Paul behind my back?" Sarah stepped closer, her eyes flashing angrily as she looked unblinkingly at the man who had betrayed her in the most humiliating way she could imagine. Better that he had been cheating on her with Hannah than John Paul, that she could understand, that she could rationalise, forgive almost. But this? Another man? How would she ever live that down?

"I wasn't," Craig insisted, "Sarah I swear nothing happened until we broke up."

"Until you dumped me you mean… you make me sick."

"I'm sorry…"

"Are you? You don't look it… you must think I'm a right idiot."

"Sarah, I don't… really… I never meant to…"

"Months ago I asked you if you were gay," Sarah snarled, "When Hannah saw you two kissing at the dance… you swore blind to me there was nothing in it… why lie Craig? Why not come clean then?"

"I'm not… there wasn't…" Craig shook his head, how was he supposed to explain what had happened to someone else when he didn't even understand it himself. How could he tell Sarah one look from John Paul's bright blue eyes or one touch of his lips could stop the world from turning whilst making his head spin. "I never wanted to hurt you," Craig said quietly.

"You've humiliated me. How d'you think I feel everyone knowing that my boyfriend has decided to be gay?"

"I didn't decide to be anything," Craig said trying to stay calm. "And I'm not gay… I… I don't think… I just…"

"What?"

"I just fell in love Sarah…"

Craig let out a cry of surprise and pain as Sarah's hand connected with his face, the sound of the slap ringing loudly against the quiet of the street.

With tears filling her eyes Sarah turned and walked away.

"I'm sorry," Craig called after her as he rubbed at the stinging of his cheek.

"Go to hell," Sarah called back, her voice trembling with tears, "Both of you… I hate you…"

--

John Paul smiled in sympathy as Craig finished speaking, his hand instinctively reaching to touch Craig's cheek in a need to take away the pain of Sarah's strike and the hurt of Sarah's words.

"She didn't mean it," John Paul said. "She's just upset, she'll get over it…"

Craig returned John Paul's smile, leaning his head on his boyfriend's shoulder as their fingers laced together. As much as he regretted hurting Sarah in that way and as much as he anticipated and feared more backlash from his relationship with John Paul he knew, as the blonde man kissed the top of his head and they sat together in a contented quiet, needing nothing more than to be with each other, he knew that it was worth it.

"So what you doing later?" Craig asked after a pause.

"Nothing planned, why?"

"Thought you might like to come round to mine for a meal…"

"What?" John Paul's eyes widened in surprise.

"Yeah you know, just you… me… mum…"

"What?" John Paul sat forward and turned to observed his boyfriend closely, trying to decide if the older man was joking.

"I want her to see us John Paul… I need her to know that we're for real…"

"Your mum?"

"Yeah…"

"Just the three of us?"

"Err… yeah…"

"Great," John Paul said with a fake smile, "Sounds like fun!"

"There you go," Craig laughed as he kissed John Paul's lips forcefully, "Now you're getting the hang of sarcasm!"

--

"John Paul." Frankie's tone was cool and her eyes showed little emotion as she greeted the young blonde man.

"Mrs Osborne," John Paul replied somewhat nervously as he entered the flat above the Dog. He had been welcomed into Craig's home countless times before but it had always been as a friend, entering the flat as Craig's boyfriend changed everything and John Paul had never felt so ill at ease in such familiar surroundings before.

"Take a seat, I'll put the kettle on." Frankie watched as John Paul moved into the living room and sat beside her youngest son on the sofa.

She didn't know what that young man had said or done to make Craig believe the things he did but Frankie Osborne knew in her heart that her son wasn't gay, that it was all some foolish experiment of youth that would end as quickly as it had begun, she just needed to be able to make Craig see that.

Craig smiled as John Paul sat down beside him, their fingers lacing together between them in a mutual show of support. Craig still couldn't understand what had happened to make him feel the way he did, to make his heart beat so fast at the very sight of John Paul's bright blue eyes, he had never once expected to fall in love with his friend, with another man, but he had and it was the most incredible feeling in the world. He didn't know if that made him gay or bi-sexual or something else all together. All he really knew was that it made him the happiest he had ever been. He was in love and it was real, he just need to be able to make his mother see that.

"Well this is nice," Frankie lied as she handed mugs of tea to the two boys. "Dinner won't be long…"

"Great," John Paul said with a forced smile as he looked into the murky colour of his drink and took a sip of the insipid liquid. "It was really nice of you to… err… invite me round…"

Frankie shrugged. "It was what Craig wanted," she said, her words implying that having John Paul in her home at that moment in time was the very last thing she wanted. "And I suppose I should get to know my son's… friend…"

"Boyfriend," Craig said quickly.

Frankie's lips pursed together, her expression one of distaste at the word that had come from her son's mouth. It wasn't that she disliked John Paul, he had always been a pleasant young man, and it wasn't even that she cared about him being gay. It was just the way he had somehow confused Craig into thinking that whatever it was between them could or should be more than friendship.

"Well… we'll see," Frankie replied.

"Mum!" Craig said with a sigh, "We're together… me and John Paul… you need to accept that, I need you to accept it… please mum…"

Frankie put down her drink and looked at the two young men. Despite the fact that they were both rapidly leaving their teenage years behind, in her, more experience eyes, they were still only children, they knew nothing of life, or of love, how could they really know what they were feeling?

"Look John Paul," Frankie began softly, "I know that you believe that you and Craig have something real between you…"

"We do," John Paul replied with a warm smile. "I love Craig Mrs Osborne, I'm sorry if that makes you unhappy…"

"I'm sure that right now you believe that," Frankie continued, "But you're both so young… and I know you've become very close friends and sometimes it's easy to confuse one kind of love for another…"

"Mum," Craig said as he rested his hand on John Paul's knee and stared his mother squarely in the eye. "I do know the difference between a mate and a… and a lover…" Craig blushed slightly at he spoke but he carried on because he needed her to understand that this wasn't just a whim. "This isn't just a spur of the moment thing you know… I tried to fight what I was feeling… I didn't WANT to fall in love with John Paul… but I did… and I love him, more than… more than I knew I could… please understand, we didn't just jump into bed together for a laugh…"

Frankie visibly flinched at Craig's words. In her mind she had never allowed herself to believe that things between the two boys had made it as far as the bedroom, choosing instead to tell herself that there had been nothing more than a few confused kisses, the idea that there had been anything more intimate wasn't something that she was ready to face.

The sound of the oven timer shrilly announcing that the meal was ready broke the tension in the room and gave Frankie a much welcomed reason to get up and walk away.

"This is fun," John Paul said quietly once Frankie was out of earshot.

"I'm sorry," Craig said with an apologetic smile.

"It's not your fault…"

"I do appreciate you coming round…"

"How could I resist such a fun evening?"

The two men giggled softly, their foreheads leaning against each other as they whispered together.

Frankie watched silently for a second. There was no mistaking the smile on her son's face, or the way his eyes sparkled when he looked at John Paul and, under different circumstances, Frankie Osborne might have said that her son was in love. Different circumstances mainly being if the object of his affections had been a girl. She looked away quickly as she saw John Paul's hand stroke gently against Craig's cheek and their faces move towards a kiss.

There was a silence as the three occupants of the dinner table began their meal. John Paul scooped up a large forkful of the over-cooked lasagne and smiled at Frankie as he began to chew. The contents of his mouth were dry and lacking in any real flavour making it difficult to swallow but John Paul finally managed to and braced himself to repeat the experience.

"This is a bit overdone," Craig said as he pushed his food around his plate.

"It's fine," John Paul quickly replied, his eyes flashing a warning at his boyfriend. The last thing they needed was another reason to get Frankie offside. "Really Mrs Osborne, it's delicious." As if to prove his point John Paul devoured another large mouthful quickly and forced himself not to reach instantly for a drink to wash it down.

The meal continued in an uncomfortable silence for some time, broken only by the scrape of cutlery against plates as the three diners tried to pretend that everything was relaxed and casual while they each wished that they could be anywhere else instead.

"I suppose you'll miss Craig when he moves to Dublin," Frankie said to John Paul as she finished the last of her food. "But when you're apart… well I think you'll both soon move on and…"

"I won't just forget about him," John Paul interrupted. The young man felt as if he'd spent a long lifetime searching for Craig and he knew, without a hint of doubt, that something as simple as a sea between them would not alter his feelings for one second.

"You're young John Paul," Frankie said kindly, "And I know that you think what you feel for my son will last forever but feelings change, people change and once you're both caught up in your new lives I'm sure that what you feel right now… well it just wont seem as important anymore…"

"Mrs Osborne," John Paul smiled. He knew that the woman was only concerned for her son, that she wanted the best for him and she wanted him to be happy. What she didn't realise is that John Paul wanted those exact same things, but more than that, he wanted to be a part of those things. "I love Craig… and if he disappeared from my life tomorrow and I never saw him again I would still love him until the day I died…"

Frankie opened her mouth to object to such a ludicrous claim but her words faltered as she saw something strange deep inside John Paul's brilliant blue eyes. There was something more than just the young blonde man, something deeper than a youthful desire and more long lasting than a childish dream. For a moment Frankie wondered if maybe, just maybe, John Paul knew something more of life than she had anticipated. For a moment Frankie believed that his love for her son really was eternal.

"Well we'll see," Frankie said as she tore her gaze from the mysteries of John Paul's eyes and instead looked towards her son. "Craig will be leaving soon enough." There was a sadness in Frankie's words as she smiled at the boy who had become a man, and the man who had always been her pride and joy. The idea of him being away from home broke her heart, but the knowledge of what he would achieve and how happy it would make him was worth that pain.

"Mum," Craig sighed with a need for understanding filling the chocolate depths of his rich brown eyes. "I don't plan on forgetting John Paul when I'm in Dublin…"

"I know you don't but…"

"Cause I was going to ask him to come with me…"

The silence was absolute and not even the sound of a breath seemed to penetrate it.

Craig turned to look at John Paul. He had been planning to ask John Paul to join him in Dublin later that evening when they were alone, the thought of being without the man he had fallen so heavily for was unbearable, but instead he blurted it out in front of his mother.

John Paul's eyes were wide with surprise. Moving to Dublin with Craig had never even crossed his mind but rather he had chosen to deliberately ignore the fact that the dark haired man was due to leave in only a couple of weeks, concentrating instead on every moment they could spend together.

For a moment John Paul's mind was filled with images of the two of them in some small flat, sharing their lives and being far happier than he ever thought possible. A moment later he could see himself standing with Craig at the airport waiting to leave England far behind and that was when he knew his answer.

Just as John Paul opened his mouth to speak so did Frankie.

"Craig you can't…"

"Craig I can't…"


	6. Chapter 6

_Listen to me  
Just hear me out  
If I could have your attention  
Just quieten down for a voice in the crowd_

John Paul's chest heaved as he pulled desperate gasps of air into his burning lungs and fell onto the stone seating beside the fountain.

The last few minutes had gone by in a blur of confusion and fear.

Only one thing remained clear in John Paul's mixed up mind. Craig had asked him to go to Dublin.

If anyone had told him that the dark haired man was planning such a thing John Paul would have laughed and told them they were insane; but he would have also been pleased at the thought of moving away from the small village that always seemed to be judging him and starting a new life with the man he loved.

So why was it that, when Craig did make such a suggestion, the only emotion that raged through John Paul's chest was fear. The second the words had left Craig's lips John Paul was gripped with absolute terror and the knowledge, the absolute certainty, that if he agreed to leave with Craig it would spell the end of everything. He didn't know why his belief was so clear, but if felt as conclusive as the knowledge of his own name.

He couldn't do it… he shouldn't do it.

John Paul couldn't even remember leaving the flat above The Dog, he had a vague recollection of stammering something about having to go and then he ran. He literally ran away as fast as he could manage, racing through the streets that blurred past him until his feet brought him to the strange sense of security that he always felt beneath the fountains knowing smile.

The figure at the centre of the fountain looked as if she had watched over the world for many years, observing the lives of the inhabitants of her small village and laughing to herself at the foolish choices they sometimes made.

Closing his eyes John Paul rubbed his hands over his face, his whole body was trembling and, although he tried to tell himself it was from the sudden exertion, he knew it was pure panic that was making him shake so badly.

John Paul shook his head in a vain attempt to clear his thoughts but the movement simply served to jumble them up even more until he wasn't certain what was true and what only existed in his imagination.

Snippets of conversations tumbled together in his head; some he recalled and others were unknown but still strangely familiar.

"I love you Craig, you have to believe that. I love you."

"Where we can lock ourselves up and hide away from the world, yeah?"

"I can't do this… not if you're not sure… not if… not if we have to hide away, or lie, or…"

"After everything that's happened, you're just gonna walk away?"

"Help me try… John Paul this… this can't stop, what we have between us… I need you… I love you…"

"You and Sarah… outside Il Gnosh… I saw you…"

"Is that how we're gonna live our lives, is it? Hiding away from everyone? Feeling....feeling ashamed?"

"I chose you, because I love you… I want you…"

"What? What's gonna happen when we get to Dublin, eh? Is it gonna be, 'Maybe when we are in our second year?' 'Maybe when we graduate?' I mean when? You don't know who you are."

"Craig… I can't…"

How was it that words he knew he hadn't spoken, hadn't heard, felt as real as those that had left his lips less than ten minutes earlier? How was it that the very second Craig Dean handed him his dream John Paul ran away in fear?

And how was it that, even before he opened his eyes again, John Paul knew that Craig was standing before him?

"What was all that about?" Craig asked quietly. His voice held no hint of anger, just confusion and hurt. He couldn't understand how John Paul could have reacted the way he did, why his suggestion would make the man flee as if his very life depended on it.

"I'm sorry," John Paul whispered as he opened his eyes and slowly raised his head.

The sight before him made him gasp with an almost physical pain. It felt like Craig had been his dream for so long, for his lifetime and more, and as he looked at the hurt in the man's deep brown eyes John Paul could feel that dream slipping away from him.

"I'm sorry," John Paul repeated. What else could he say? How could he explain a feeling he didn't understand? How could he tell Craig that he wanted nothing more than to spend his life with him but at the same time he knew it could never be, that he couldn't keep hold of the dream that was never really meant to be his?

"What happened?" Craig asked as he moved to sit beside the blonde man. Resting his hand lightly on John Paul's leg Craig was surprised to feel that the younger man was trembling and deep inside John Paul's brilliant azure eyes he could see a confusion far deeper that the one he felt. "Why did you run off like that?"

"I don't know," John Paul admitted, "I just… I don't know… I was scared…"

"Of what? Me? Mum? Dublin?"

"Yes… No… I don't… Craig I…" John Paul shook his head and turned his face away from Craig's penetrating stare. "I love you…" John Paul's words were nothing more than a soft whisper that seemed to hang gently in the air between them for a second before drifting away into nothing.

"Do you not want to be with me?" Craig asked, his voice catching and unshed tears glistening in his eyes. "Do you… do you wanna finish with me?"

"What? No… god Craig no…" John Paul turned back to face the dark haired man, startled to see the shine of teardrops mingled with fear in his eyes. "No I promise you, that's not it…"

John Paul reached his shaking hands to Craig's face, cupping it gently, the tremors ending as soon as he came into contact with Craig's soft skin. Brushing his thumbs gently over Craig's cheeks John Paul wiped away a stray tear that tumbled downwards.

"I love you Craig Dean," John Paul said calmly, his voice radiating with conviction and love.

Raising his hands to hold onto John Paul's wrists Craig's brow furrowed. "So why did you run? Please John Paul I don't understand…"

"Neither do I, it's just… I felt…"

"What?"

"Scared…"

"You said," Craig's grip on John Paul's wrists tightening as he spoke. "But of what? I don't understand… so you don't want to come to Dublin… OK I get that…"

"But I…" John Paul hesitated; his head swam with a million different thoughts, each one contradicting its predecessor in an unending dance of truths and lies, fears and hopes until John Paul was no longer certain of anything, not even who he was.

The chocolate pools of Craig's eyes pleaded with John Paul for reassurance, a desperate need to be told that what the man was feeling, what he had risked and fought for wasn't about to be thrown away.

"John Paul?" The name was barely a breath of a whisper, a tiny sigh that nevertheless resonated inside John Paul's heart and mind and, for an instant, cleared everything away but one resounding truth. He loved Craig and, he realised as he allowed himself to fall into the depths of his lover's eyes, that love was far greater than any fear ever could be.

"I do want to come to Dublin… if you still want me to…"

"You're sure?" Craig asked uncertainly, "You're not just saying that?"

"I…" John Paul bit his lip, the fear was still there, the unreasonable feeling that going to Dublin would mean losing Craig forever but at the same time John Paul's heart told him that going with Craig was the only thing he could do, the one thing in life he knew that he should do. "I'm sure," he said with a small smile, "I want to be with you Craig… I'm sorry about before; I guess you just took me by surprise… so? Do you still want me?"

Craig's face broke into the widest brightest smile that John Paul had ever seen and the younger man's heart beat out a strong message of love as Craig's hands moved to the back of his neck, pulling the man close and sealing their commitment to each other with a deep, soft kiss that made them both sigh contentedly.

* * *

The sun was beginning to set over the village as the two young men sat together on the cool stone bench and spoke of their dreams and hopes for the future. Where they would live, what they would do, a million different and exciting opportunities seemed to be laid out before them and they wanted to grab onto each one with enthusiasm.

"I should go and talk to my mum," John Paul said as he got reluctantly to his feet, his fingers still laced tightly with Craig's, unwilling or unable to let go.

"Do you have to?" Craig complained, rising to stand before the man he still couldn't believe he loved and brushing one hand over his hip.

"She needs to know what we're planning," John Paul replied, a soft groan escaping his lips as Craig's fingers continued to stroke over his hip and down his thigh. "She should hear it from me…"

"I suppose…" Craig agreed as he leant forward and stole a warm kiss. "Or you could stay here with me a bit longer." Leaning forward again Craig claimed a deeper kiss, his tongue teasing against John Paul's full soft lips, which parted gratefully as Craig's tongue pushed inside his mouth.

John Paul's resolve to leave melted away under the heat of Craig's mouth, making him forget everything but the feeling of Craig's deep kiss, the warmth of the man's body as it pressed against his own and the deep unending love and desire that flowed through his veins making his heart beat ever faster.

Craig sank deeper into John Paul's embrace. Nothing had ever felt so exciting or so perfect as kissing his best friend did, no one had ever made him feel so loved or so desired, no one had ever promised Craig a future and made him believe it.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

The two men had been so consumed by their desire for each other that they had forgotten themselves, giving in to the deep passion that filled them and ignoring everything but each other.

Neither had heard the approaching footsteps or had been away that they weren't alone until a hand gripped John Paul's shoulder and dragged him roughly away from Craig's arms.

"I sad what the fuck are you doing?" Jake spat, his dark eyes flashing with absolute anger as his gaze snapped back and forth between his younger brother and the man who was… who was making Craig do something he shouldn't.

"Jake… Please…" Craig stammered in shock and confusion, "It's alright…"

"How can it be alright?" Jake shouted furiously, "You and him were… you were…"

"We were kissing Jake," John Paul said calmly.

"Don't you speak to me," Jake growled. Realising that his hand was still gripping John Paul's shoulder he shoved the younger man from him, causing John Paul to stagger back a few paces. "Don't you even THINK about speaking to me…"

"Jake calm down," Craig pleaded. "Let me explain…"

"Explain? Explain what you and him were… what's he making you do Craig?"

"He's not making me DO anything… Jake we're… we're together…"

Jake looked at his younger brother as if he were observing a stranger, his eyes wide and filled with loathing before spinning to look at the blonde man who, obviously, was the cause of all this madness.

"You keep your filthy queer hands off my brother," Jake threatened. "He doesn't need your type messing with his head…"

"We're not doing anything wrong," John Paul reasoned, "We're… we're in love…"

"Love?" Jake said with a bitter laugh that quickly turned to an angry sneer. "I said you keep your hands of him… or…"

"Or?"

John Paul staggered backwards before his legs buckled and he stumbled to he floor. He hadn't seen the blow that felled him, and was surprised to find himself sitting on the ground with a warm trickle of blood weeping from a cut on his mouth.

"Jake stop it," Craig shouted as he quickly moved to position himself between his brother and his love. "Don't you dare lay another finger on him…"

"Get out of my way Craig…"

"No! I mean it Jake… you don't ever touch him again… I love him…"

Jake paused. Logically he knew that he had the strength to push his brother out of the way and finish what he had started but there was something about the look in Craig's eyes that made him stop, realising that the boy he had once been able to shove around had grown into a strong man without him noticing.

"This isn't over," Jake said before turning to walk away.

"Yes it is," Craig promised him as he bent down to help John Paul up.

Despite the blood on his lips and the bruising around his mouth John Paul was smiling and, as he got to his feet he couldn't contain a laugh that was bubbling up inside him.

"What's so funny?" Craig asked with puzzlement.

"I don't know," John Paul giggled, "I just… I don't know I… I can't believe that you told Jake you love me…"

"Well I do! And I don't care what anyone thinks."

"But… but he's your brother… what if he never speaks to you again?"

Craig shrugged as he pressed his palm to John Paul's cheek. "Then it's his loss," he said gently. "As long as I've got you nothing else matters."

Craig could taste the metallic tang of blood as he kissed John Paul's damaged mouth. The blonde man winced as the pressure of Craig's lips renewed the pain of Jake's punch.

"Sorry," Craig whispered.

"It's OK," John Paul replied. "You were worth it… you were worth all of it…"

* * *

John Paul took a deep breath as he stood at his front door, his fingers touched lightly at the cut on his mouth that was surrounded by bruising and already turning a deep angry purple. If John Paul understood one thing about his family it was that the sight of one of them being hurt would bring out a ferocious loyalty that could turn back an advancing army, and the last thing he needed now was a war with the Dean's.

With another steadying breath John Paul pushed open the door and whispered a silent prayer that his family would already be in bed.

Luck was not on his side.

Myra was slumped on the sofa watching television and turned to smile at her son as he entered the room, the smile dying on her lips as she saw the damage to his face and she was by his side so quickly that John Paul hardly saw her move.

"What happened?" Myra asked as she touched her son's cheek gently, her finger brushing lightly over the damage so recently inflicted on her boy, sharing his pain as he winced at the touch.

"It's nothing," John Paul assured his mother, catching her wrist to move her hand from his face.

"John Paul," Myra said sternly, "I asked what happened…"

For a moment John Paul considered lying, a simple fabrication would have done, a fight with someone he didn't know, an argument with someone, a thousand possibilities that seemed more tempting than the truth.

But, as Myra's deep penetrating stare bore into her son's eyes he knew he couldn't lie to her. He had never been any good at lying to his mother, even as a child she had been able to see through him and, for some reason he couldn't quite explain, he felt as if he had betrayed the woman who had give so much to him enough in his life.

"It was Jake," John Paul said quietly, turning to walk towards the kitchen.

"Jake? Jake Dean?"

"Yeah…"

"Why… what…?"

"I guess he doesn't like the idea of be being with his brother!" John Paul shrugged sadly as he filled the kettle, more for something to do than any real desire for a hot drink. Somehow he had always known that Craig's family, Jake especially, wouldn't approve of the love the two boys had found together but he had still hoped that somehow, someway, they would be able to accept the truth of their love when they saw it.

"Wait till I get my hands on…" Myra began angrily.

"Mum no," John Paul interrupted, laying a calming hand on his mother's shoulder, his blue eyes so gentle that the woman hesitated in her anger.

"But he…"

"It doesn't matter." John Paul smiled. Despite the pain of the bruising around his mouth it wasn't the feel of Jake's fist against his lips that he could remember but the tenderness of Craig's kiss.

"He…"

"Mum, please…" Gripping Myra's shoulders tightly John Paul looked deeply into the eyes of the person who loved him more than anyone else ever had, until Craig. "I don't want any trouble, it's dealt with… Just let it go… please, for me…"

"But he hurt my boy…"

"I'm fine… it's nothing… one little cut, a bruise, it'll be gone before we know it… but…" John Paul smiled and a small laugh escaped from his lips.

"What?"

"Craig…he… he defended me… I never thought, I never dared hope… he just stood to Jake up for me… I never thought he would be able to do that but he never even hesitated… He loves me mum… he really does…"

Myra smiled, a small smile tinged with sadness. She could see so much in her son's beautiful blue eyes, love, hope, excitement and the knowledge that she was going to lose him, that he was no longer her little boy.

"Ok I won't do anything to Jake Dean," Myra conceded reluctantly, "But if he ever touches you again…"

"He won't," John Paul assured her, "He won't be able to…"

"How do you mean?"

"Mum… I… we… Craig's asked me to go to Dublin with him… and I said yes…"

"John Paul you can't… You and Craig, you've only known each other five minutes…"

"Mum," John Paul spoke gently, kindly, he knew that his mother hated to see her children leave but he also knew that he had to go. "I've known him all my life… I feel like I've wasted so much time when I could have been loving him… I have to do this, I have to go with him cause if I don't… I love him mum, so much… I can't be without him, I just can't…"

Myra opened her mouth to argue but the certainty in her son's words, in his eyes, stilled her tongue. There was a wisdom in his gaze far beyond his years and Myra felt a comfort in his stare, somehow she knew he was doing the right thing.

"You know you can always come home again if it doesn't work out," she said finally.

"I know," John Paul replied but, as he pulled his mother into a tight embrace, they both felt sure that it wasn't an option he would ever have to take.

* * *

The door of the flat above the Dog in the Pond slammed closed behind Craig. He had pushed it with such anger that the echo of the slam reverberated around the room.

Frankie turned to look at him from her place on the sofa, her cheeks were marked with recently shed tears and her hand was holding Jake's as the man sat beside her.

"If you ever lay another finger on him…" Craig began, his eyes flashing angrily at his brother. He had never known he was capable of such rage but, the second that Craig had seen Jake's fist strike John Paul's face he had been ready to explode. It was somewhat ironic that it was Jake's action that finally sealed the certainty of Craig's love. The very thought of the man being hurt tore at his heart and he knew that he would do anything in his power to protect the blue eyed boy that he adored, even to the extent of turning his back on his entire family.

"It's disgusting," Jake spat, "What you and him are… it makes me sick… just look what you've done to mum…"

Craig let his gaze flick to his mother for a moment and the sadness in her eyes cut him deeply, but seeing her pain didn't even rival the way he felt when he saw John Paul attacked.

"I've done nothing wrong," Craig said calmly but firmly. "All I've done is fall in love and if you can't handle that then…"

"It's not right," Jake said as he got to his feet, "It's sick… perverted…"

"Why?" Craig asked, turning his full attention to his older brother. "Cause it's not what you expected? Not what you wanted? Well guess what… it's not what I expected either… but I love him… I love John Paul and if you… if either of you can't accept that… if I have to choose between him and you… he wins every time Jake… every time…"

"You're sick…"

"Me? I'm not the one going around punching people for no reason…"

"No reason? When I saw that pervert with his tongue down my brother's throat…"

"I was kissing him Jake… me… I was kissing John Paul, and you know what… it felt amazing… the best I've ever known..."

Jake stepped towards his brother, his fists clenched as his sides as Craig observed him defiantly.

When Craig had first felt himself becoming attracted to John Paul the idea had terrified him. He wasn't gay and he had no right to be feeling the way he was. He couldn't understand why his mind was constantly filled with thoughts of his best friend, why every inch of him would ache with a longing to be touched by those gentle hands, to be held by those strong arms and to be loved by that amazing man. He had fought against his feelings for so long and so hard but throughout it all his heart had never once failed in its conviction.

He had fallen in love and, when he finally accepted it, Craig had discovered peace and nothing and no one was ever going to take it from him.

"You disgust me," Jake snarled.

"Likewise," Craig replied.

Jake's chest rose and fell as his breathing grew more and more ragged and the desire to floor his brother, to knock some sense into him, boiled through his veins.

"Go on Jake, you know you want to," Craig goaded, "Why don't you show us what a real man you are…"

Jake's teeth ground together as he raised his fist, his body trembling as he prepared to strike his brother.

"Stop it!" Frankie screamed as she raced to her sons and placed herself between them. "Just stop it…"

"But he's…" Jake stammered.

"Jake no… no more… this ends now…"

"You don't like what he's doing any more than I do."

Frankie looked between her two sons. They were so alike and yet so very different. She was proud of them both in so many ways and yet she feared for them every day. But ultimately they were her children and she loved them.

"I don't have to like it," Frankie said, taking a hold of Jake's fist and pushing it down till it hung by his side. "And neither do you… but I won't have my boys fighting… do you hear me? I won't have it."

"He's no brother of mine," Jake said as he shrugged Frankie's hand from him and, casting one last glare at his young brother, he stamped from the room, the door slamming closed behind him.

Frankie turned her attention to Craig, her eyes filling with tears as she looked at her baby boy who had grown into a strong young man.

"Craig," She began gently, "Are you sure this is really what you want?"

"I love him mum," Craig explained, "I didn't just decide to feel this way… you think I want my life to suddenly be this complicated? You think I wouldn't rather love some girl that you would all approve of?"

"It's not that I don't approve…"

"But you don't…"

"I don't understand…"

"I love him… what's so complicated about that?"

"He's really what you want?"

"He's all I want…"

"I just want you to be happy Craig," Frankie said as she slipped her arms around her young sons shoulders and pulled him close, tears trickling warmly down her cheeks.

"John Paul makes me happy… more than I've ever been."

"I love you Craig," Frankie whispered into her son's hair, "No matter who you choose to be with."

"Thanks mum," Craig replied as he returned his mother's embrace. He knew that she didn't really understand his feelings, that she probably didn't even believe that they were real, but the fact that she was prepared to support him was more than he had hoped for and it would be enough. For now.

* * *

John Paul stood in silent contemplation in the middle of his bedroom. It seemed smaller than it ever had before, filled with possessions that belonged to another life, another person.

It was the room of a young boy, a child almost. A variety of posters splashed colour over the walls and the blue starry duvet cover that had kept the young McQueen warm through many winter nights covered the single bed.

Yes, it was the room of a boy and John Paul was now a man. A man who was ready to leave that room, that house and that village behind as he reached for stars of his own.

With one hand resting on the large canvas bag that sat on the middle of his bed John Paul smiled to himself as he wondered which of his sisters would lay claim to his vacant room first. He could almost hear their squabbles as each insisted that it was their "right" to be given a room of their own.

They were welcome to it, he wouldn't need it anymore… he hoped he wouldn't need it anymore.

Letting his hand fall from the bag that contained everything he was taking to Dublin with him John Paul walked over to the mirror that hung, slightly crookedly, on one wall and looked at himself.

There were times when his reflection almost took him by surprise. Catching a glimpse of himself unexpectedly would make John Paul start and wonder, just for a moment, why he looked so young, making him laugh a second later as he realised the looked the same as he always did. He looked his age, how else should he look?

Turning his head slightly to one side John Paul looked into his own eyes. Sometimes lately he could see an echo in them of a sadness he didn't recall but it would unsettle him, making him wonder what it was that could make his eyes look so sad when his heart felt so full.

In only a few hours he would be boarding a plane that would take him to his future. He couldn't recall ever being so happy or so hopeful, but in the depths of his eyes lingered something else. A hint of fear, or doubt, an unnerving suggestion that maybe, just maybe, everything could still go wrong and as he looked that fear started to gnaw at him.

"You all ready?"

John Paul was pulled from his reverie by the voice of his mother standing just inside his bedroom door. There was a melancholy in her eyes that John Paul could understand, the sorrow of a mother preparing to say goodbye to her child. No amount of hope for his future would ever really take away that sting of knowing he would be so far away.

"As I'll ever be," John Paul replied, catching a final glimpse of himself in the mirror as he turned to Myra, and smiling at the hope he could see in the face reflected back at him, a hope that seemed to wipe away his fears.

Pulling her son into her arms Myra did all she could to fight off her tears, but they still escaped to tumble freely over her cheeks as she held John Paul close. She wanted him to be happy, of course she did, her was her son, her joy, her pride, but she couldn't help worrying about his future. He would be so far away from home, what if it all went wrong? He might believe that he loved Craig now but they were so young, anything could happen.

"It's gonna be OK you know," John Paul said gently, almost as if he could sense his mother's concerns.

"You're really sure you want to go?" Myra asked as she pulled back from her son's embrace and roughly brushed the tears from her cheeks. "Cause it's still not too late to change your mind…"

"I love him mum," John Paul replied, as if that simple statement explained it all and, in so many ways, it did. "I have to be with him… I have to try, even if… I just have to…"

"I'll miss you…"

"Me too… but I'll come home when I can… and I'll call… you'll hardly know I'm gone!"

With a sad smile Myra McQueen pulled her son back into her arms and squeezed him tightly, storing up the memory of him for when he would no longer be there.

---

Craig stood in the chill of the September air, his case by his feet, as he looked around his familiar surroundings. To his back was The Dog in the Pond, a pub that had been his home for many years, bringing a security and comfort into his life that has been missing since Johnno Dean had walked out on his family. Within those walls Craig had watched his mother find happiness again and he, in turn, had discovered a father figure in Jack Osborne that had helped give him the courage to be the man he now was.

In front of Craig was the car park. It stood empty, waiting for the day to begin but when it did Craig would be long gone as he left behind the life he knew for the future he could only dream of.

"You got everything?" Frankie asked, placing her hands on her son's shoulders as she stood behind him. Her fingers trembled slightly as she gripped Craig firmly, but it wasn't the cool air that was making her shiver.

"I think so," Craig replied, reaching his hands to cover his mother's gently. He could hear the trepidation in her voice and feel it in her touch, but somehow he knew that her concerns were unfounded.

"Are you sure about this Craig?" Frankie asked as she moved to face her son. "You and John Paul… it's only been a few weeks… you hardly know him, not really… living together… it's such a big step… it's not too late to back out you know… no one would think any less of you for it…"

"I would," Craig said with a soft smile. "I know what I'm doing mum… I… I've never been so sure of anything in my life… John Paul he… he's my best friend… and I love him… I really love him…"

Cupping her son's face Frankie kissed Craig's cheeks gently as warm tears tumbled silently over her own. The thought of losing Craig to another country tore at her heart but the knowledge that he was taking such a risk starting a life with John Paul McQueen gripped her with fear.

Looking into Craig's soft brown eyes Frankie could see such confidence, such happiness, and she knew that she couldn't steal his dreams from him; all she could do was be there for him if it all went wrong.

"You know I don't care if you share your bed with a man or a woman or both of them… You're still my son."

"Thanks… thanks mum…"

"So we're finally getting rid of you?" Steph said with a laugh, slapping her younger brother on the back before hugging him tightly. "About time too…"

"Ahh you know you'll miss me really," Craig laughed.

"Nah… not so much…" Steph replied with a wide grin, squeezing her brother tightly before releasing him and stepping back. "You just be happy OK?"

"I plan to!"

"I hope you've booked a double seat on that plan for you and your degree sized brain!"

"Oh comedy," Craig smiled as he took hold of Steph's hands gently, "That's what I'll miss the most."

"You're gonna have the best time Craig… just don't mess it up by thinking about things too much."

"What me over-analyse? Never!"

Craig laughed softly. He knew he was all too capable of over-thinking every situation until he could convince himself of the worst possible outcome but this time, this time was different. He didn't need to think about things where John Paul was concerned. His heart told him all he needed to know.

"You take care son," Jack said, shaking Craig's hand warmly. He might have only known the young man a few years but Jack had come to think of Craig as his own son and, as such, he couldn't be prouder of the strong man he had grown into.

"Thanks Jack… for everything…"

Looking around at his family the smile faded from Craig's face at the recognition of the one person who was not there to see him off.

"I tried to get him to come," Steph said kindly. "He will come round you know… he just needs some more time…"

"Maybe," Craig said with a shrug. "Doesn't matter…"

The small family stood in silence for a few moments, each lost in their own thoughts. Their hopes and fears, dreams and regrets, it might have only been Craig that was leaving for a new life but it was the end of an era for all of them.

The sound of a car engine made Craig look around, surprised, flashing a look of panic at his watch. The taxi had arrived to take them to the airport but John Paul was nowhere to be seen. Fear gripped at Craig's chest as he wondered if the blonde haired man had changed his mind.

Craig's eyes darted from Frankie to Steph to Jack, uncertain of what to say, but they could read his concerns all too clearly.

"Relax," Steph said with a warm smile, "The taxi's early… John Paul'll be… right here…"

Before Steph had finished talking John Paul ran breathlessly into the car park, his bag slung over one shoulder and his cheeks flushed from exertion.

"Sorry I'm late," he panted as he staggered to a halt before his boyfriend. "I couldn't get away… everyone wanted to say bye… oh and give us these…"

With a grimace John Paul held out a selection of placemats that had been gifted to him by his family. Each one bore the face of one of the McQueen's, reproduced with startling clarity.

"Nice," Craig lied before bursting into laughter. One look into John Paul's brilliant blue eyes had instantly dispelled all doubts and fears. Before him stood the man that Craig knew he was destined to spend his life with, nothing had ever felt so certain, and nothing would ever take that from him.

"I'm sure we'll find a drawer we can put them in," John Paul replied as he stuffed the gaudy placemats into his bag before smiling brightly at the man he loved more than any words he knew could ever explain. "So? You ready for this?"

Reaching for John Paul's hand Craig laced their fingers together tightly and kissed the younger man softly on the lips. "I've never been more ready for anything in my life."

"You two be good," Steph joked as she took the last opportunity to hug her brother close, pulling John Paul into the embrace at the same time. "You look after my brother you hear?" She warned with a smile.

"Always," John Paul promised as Craig blushed slightly and looked away.

Jack slipped his arm around Frankie's shoulders as the woman leant against him for support.

"They'll be fine love," he assured his wife.

"But it's going to be so hard for them… what if…"

"They'll be fine… look at them… they've got each other now."

Frankie Osborne watched as her youngest son and the man he had declared his love for walked towards the taxi, their fingers still laced together, not separating until the last second. Before climbing into the back of the cab John Paul and Craig stopped and looked at each other, their eyes shining brightly with love and, for the first time since hearing of their relationship, Frankie didn't feel afraid.

* * *

John Paul's eyes flickered nervously around the airport as they walked through the automatic doors, he couldn't locate the reason for his unease but it seemed to be growing with each passing second.

A myriad of travellers bustled around, each of them concentrating on their own destination, completely oblivious to the two young men who were about to embark on the biggest adventure of their lives.

John Paul couldn't remember ever having been to Liverpool's John Lennon Airport before, yet it felt eerily familiar and, as his eyes caught the words "Above us only sky" painted high on a wall before him he felt cold fingers trace a slow path down his spine.

Craig grinned, his smile bright and filled with joy and he dropped his bag to the floor with a grunt of exertion.

"Not long now," he said with excitement.

"Yeah," John Paul agreed with somewhat less enthusiasm. Not long for it all to go wrong. Not long before he would lose the man he loved and his life would begin to crumble.

Closing his eyes for a second John Paul shook his head in an attempt to dislodge the thoughts that made no sense but still clawed at his heart until he could feel his hands trembling with fear.

They had come so far together, fought for a love that meant so much, if it all failed now at the last hurdle John Paul didn't think he would cope, didn't think he would ever get over it.

"Everything OK?" Craig asked, brushing a soothing hand over John Paul's arm. "What's he doing here?" Craig tone changed from a gentle concern to outright annoyance in a split second and John Paul turned to follow Craig's gaze, his hand moving subconsciously to the semi-faded bruising around his mouth as he spotted Jake Dean walking towards them.

The fear in John Paul's chest expanded until he felt like he was about to explode. He had an overwhelming need to beg Craig not to talk to his brother, to drag the dark haired man away and hide with him until their flight was due. But he did neither of those things; instead he stood by passively as Craig strode towards his older brother with determination.

"Come to make absolutely sure I get on that plane have you?" Craig snapped bitterly as he neared Jake. His teeth clenched together and he had to do all he could to control his temper. This was the man who had recently attacked John Paul, who had shown disgust over something as precious as their love, but he was also the man who had held his family together when their father had walked out, the man who had always been there for his younger brother, until recently.

Jake looked away, unable to meet Craig's gaze. "This is really difficult for me, right," he said quietly.

"It's not about YOU."

"I'm sorry yeah, for all the things I've said… for hitting John Paul… I… I shouldn't have done that…"

"You really mean that?" Craig looked at his brother intensely, searching his face for evidence of his sincerity. Jakes dark eyes were downcast but Craig could see the regret in them.

"Yeah." Jake replied, "I mean suddenly my little brother fancied fellas, I couldn't handle it… thinking about what you and…"

"Just don't think about it then."

"Just seems like our whole lives were a lie. I mean when did you start thinking like this? Was it because dad left? Is it something I did?"

Craig laughed, a sound made from frustration rather than amusement. Why did there have to be someone to blame for how Craig felt? "We can't have this conversation now Jake."

"I was just so angry that you mucked everything up," Jake explained. He had had such hopes for his little brother's future, but none of that had included a gay love affair and Jake couldn't reconcile his brother's happiness with this new life he seemed to have chosen.

"And what's changed?"

"We've always stood by each other yeah? No matter what… I just want you to know, you're my brother and I love you and if you're happy with this gay thing then…" Jake bit his lip. He had struggled all night as he decided if he should see his brother off to his future, deciding that he couldn't show his approval for what Craig wanted, only to regret that choice and racing to the airport in the hope that he wasn't too late. No matter what else happened Craig was his baby brother and he would always be on his side.

"Jake," Craig said with a half smile, "I'm not gay."

Standing just within earshot John Paul's eyes widened at Craig's words. Since their relationship had begun he had never really considered Craig's sexuality, but having Craig voice such a statement felt somehow wrong, like a betrayal, denying what they had, what they were. John Paul stepped backwards as Craig's words echoed in his ears.

"You sleep with blokes Craig," Jake said with a half smile, "In my book that makes you gay."

"You don't get it alright," Craig argued, "I don't fancy other blokes. It's just John Paul."

"No, you're right I don't get it. It doesn't make sense."

"I wouldn't go with other men." Craig insisted. "It's just John Paul. I can't help who I've fallen in love with."

"So what, you still fancy girls?"

"Yeah," Craig replied with a shrug. He did, didn't he? Since the first time Craig's lips had touched John Paul's the opposite sex had seemed less appealing, less intriguing, but he still fancied them on the whole, didn't he?

"So what does that make you then? Are you bi?" Jake asked with a confused frown. Firstly he had to try and understand that his brother was gay and then Craig announced that wasn't the case, Jake shook his head with a total lack of understanding.

"No," Craig said with a pained voice, "I don't know."

"I'm trying to understand Craig."

"I don't think I understand it myself. All I know is that I love him."

"I know, I know, you're in love with a man but you're not gay."

"I'm still me," Craig said with a smile, "I'm just a me that loves John Paul…"

As he said his boyfriend's name Craig turned to locate the blonde man who was standing a few feet behind him. John Paul's arms were folded across his chest and a slight scowl creased the younger man's normally smooth brow. Craig attempted to beckon the man over to him but John Paul's gaze was elsewhere and before Craig could call out to him his attention was pulled back to his brother.

"You're sure about this Craig?" Jake asked kindly. It had taken a lot of soul searching but ultimately he had realised there was only one factor that really mattered, that Craig was happy.

"I love him Jake," Craig said with a smile of such startling brightness that Jake could not doubt the truth of the younger Dean's words.

"Take care of yourself."

"I don't need to," Craig said with a laugh, "I've got John Paul to do that for me now!"

Pulling his brother into a tight embrace Jake held Craig close, squeezing him so tightly that the younger man eventually had to fight his way out of the hug so that he could catch his breath.

"I've gotta go Jake," Craig gasped when he could finally breathe again.

"Be careful," Jake advised as his brother walked away, "And don't to anything you don't want to…"

"When do I ever?" Craig asked with a smile, his hands half raised in an amused question.

Turning from his brother Craig quickly walked towards John Paul, his steps light and his heart full, the one thing that had cast a shadow over his leaving was the lack of Jake's support and now that he had been given that Craig felt as if he had everything he could ever want in the world.

"How about that?" Craig asked with a laugh, "I never would have thought that he would… John Paul? Is everything OK?"

Placing one hand on John Paul's folded arms Craig could sense the tension that held his boyfriend's body taught and, at his touch, John Paul moved back until Craig's hand slipped from him.

"John Paul?"

"So you're not gay?"

"What?"

"I heard what you told Jake," John Paul replied. He was unable to meet Craig's gaze, unable to face the rejection that must be there. He knew it. He knew it would all go wrong. Why didn't he trust his instincts, they could have avoided all this.

"John Paul what are you talking about?" Craig asked gently, both hands reaching to grip John Paul's shoulders and turning the man to face him. He was startled to see John Paul's bright blue eyes glistening with tears that shone over the dark fear he could see inside them. "What is it? I don't understand…"

"I… you… Craig if you can't even admit that you're gay what chance do we have?"

"John Paul I… I'm not… I don't think… I mean I…" Craig cast his eyes around the busy airport, "I look around here now and I don't see another bloke that I could fancy…"

"But there are women here that you fancy?" John Paul said sadly.

Craig looked around again. It was true there were some very pretty women passing them by, delicate waists and ample chests, shapely legs and beautiful smiles; any one of them could get a man's pulse racing… most men's.

"No," Craig said with a laugh, "There's nobody that I fancy… nobody but you… I love you John Paul… I love you…"

"But what if… what if you decide this isn't what you want… you meet some woman and…?"

"And what if you meet some other bloke," Craig interrupted with a small laugh, "It's just as possible… we can't know what the future holds… but right here and right now I LOVE YOU… and that's all that matters…"

"I'm sorry," John Paul said quietly. He didn't know why he was finding it so hard to trust in Craig's love but even as they stood there, even as Craig declared his love over and over again John Paul's heart was gripped by doubt. "But I just…"

"No buts," Craig said with a smile so calm, so certain that the very sight of it eased the worst of John Paul's fears. "Just us John Paul, you and me… that's all we need…"

"You promise?"

"I promise. Always."

Before John Paul could reply Craig took a single step forward and, slipping his hands to the back of John Paul's neck, he sealed his promise with a kiss.

As their lips met John Paul felt the world revolve around him, as if it was realigning itself, everything falling perfectly into place as the heat from Craig's mouth melted away the last of John Paul's doubts and fears until he could no longer remember what they were.

Pulling back from his lover's embrace John Paul smiled, his eyes sparkling, no longer with tears, but rather with the greatest joy and love that made his heart swell until he was no longer sure his chest could contain it.

"Always," John Paul echoed with a smile that he felt would never again leave his lips.

* * *

With tickets clutched tightly in their hands John Paul McQueen and his best friend, his lover and his soul mate Craig Dean stepped onto the escalators.

For a second John Paul caught a glimpse of a blonde woman at the top of the moving stairs. She was smiling at the two young men as they approached, her hair glistened a brilliant gold and her simple white dress seemed to shimmer in a sunlight that John Paul could not locate.

"Hannah?" John Paul breathed, tilting his head slightly in bewilderment. What was Hannah doing there?

Hannah's smile widened as she saw John Paul's fingers tightly laced with Craig's and she nodded with satisfaction.

"What was that?" Craig asked at the sound of his boyfriend's whispered word.

"What?" John Paul replied, his attention pulled from the blonde woman and swallowed up by the deep chocolate pools of Craig's eyes.

"I thought you said something."

"Did I?" John Paul said with a shrug. "I don't remember…"

Sharing a smile the two young men stepped from the escalator and walked towards their future with a confident gait.

The figure of the pretty blonde woman watched John Paul and Craig until they were out of sight and then, unnoticed by anyone, she slowly faded away. Her mission was complete. The man had been saved.

_Day by day it's getting louder  
And day by day it's getting stronger  
But when I can't scream no more and I need reassurance,  
I listen to the crowd_

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

In December of 2009 Spike met a stunningly attractive man in a bar in the centre of Manchester. He was blatantly taken with the man, whose name he quickly discovered to be David, and spent a thoroughly enjoyable evening in his company.

At the end of the night David offered Spike a lift home on his motorcycle.

For some reason that he could not quite fathom Spike declined the offer at the last minute, electing rather to exchange phone numbers with his new friend.

Later that night David's motorcycle was involved in a head on collision and he was killed instantly.

It wasn't until hearing the news that Spike recalled the warning from his ex-boyfriend John Paul McQueen a few years earlier.

The memory chilled him to the bone but also gave him cause to thank that blue-eyed boy for probably saving his life.

* * *

Hannah Ashworth continued to struggle with her body image but, with the constant help and support of her family and councillor, it was kept under control and she never had to be hospitalised.

In 2009 Hannah met a man while holidaying in Egypt and was swept off her feet. For the first time in her life she felt truly loved and could finally see beauty in herself that had always been apparent to the rest of the world.

Despite the exotic location of their meeting Peter Collins was originally from Chester and had recently moved to Liverpool. The couple decided that their meeting must have been fate.

In the spring of 2010 Hannah and Peter married in a small but elegant ceremony in her hometown of Hollyoaks.

John Paul and Craig were both surprised and thrilled to be invited and they watched their old friend marry with unconcealed joy.

* * *

In January of 2008 Myra McQueen welcomed a young priest into her home. Father Keiron Hobbs was new to the parish but quickly became welcomed as a part of the McQueen family, possibly filling the void that was left after John Paul had moved to Dublin.

Father Hobbs found a friend in the kindly matriarch and the pair spent many long hours sharing their deepest doubts and fears with each other.

Keiron eventually admitted that he had begun to question the validity of his calling as he struggled more than he should with everything that the church demanded of him. Myra was also the first person he finally felt able to admit that he was gay to.

In turn Myra found herself a confidant in Father Hobbs and was at last able to voice her deepest, darkest secret and the one thing in her life she truly regretted. The fact that she had abandoned her baby on the steps of a church when she herself was only a child.

By the autumn of 2008 Keiron Hobbs left the church, electing instead to find other ways he could serve god but also be true to himself.

With Keiron's help Myra finally managed to track down her first child, who had been named Matthew, and was able to begin the process of making amends to the son she felt she had wronged.

The rest of the McQueen family were shocked at Myra's revelation but eventually Matthew was welcomed into the fold, after all they had been raised with the knowledge that family was what mattered.

At the start of 2009 Keiron Hobbs left Hollyoaks to start working for a charity based in Africa. While there he met and fell in love with a fellow aid worker, Jonathan, and finally knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that his life was on the right path.

* * *

On 24th August 2011 John Paul McQueen and Craig Dean sealed their union with a civil partnership. Both families came together that late summer day to watch as the two men, whose love had never faltered since the day they first left Chester together, declare their unending commitment to each other.

The ceremony was simple but beautiful and, as the two men spoke of their feelings, two mothers wiped tears of happiness from their eyes. All that any parent ever really wants is to see their children happy and on that day Myra McQueen and Frankie Osborne bore witness to the joy in their youngest sons lives.

Tapping his fork against a wine glass to call the wedding guests to silence, Jake Dean rose to his feet. Clearing his throat nervously he looked around at the expectant faces, family and friends waiting to hear his best man's speech.

"A few years ago," Jake began with another nervous cough, "A few years ago when I first found out about my kid brother and John Paul, well… let's say I didn't take it too well!" Jake cast an apologetic smile at his brother's new husband to the accompanying giggles of those who knew all to well of Jake's reaction back then. "Sorry about that John Paul! I guess I couldn't understand how a love between two men could ever be real, it didn't make sense to me, it wasn't a world I knew anything about and I just expected that Craig would end up getting hurt. And today, what four years later, well I'm glad to see that I've been proved wrong. I know these two have had their ups and downs as all couples do but they've weathered it all and are stronger than they ever were and I'm proud to welcome John Paul into our family because, well, anyone who can make my brother that happy, he's alright by me!"

Lifting up his glass of champagne Jake smiled at the newly weds.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said with a grin, "Please raise your glasses and join me in toasting the happy couple. Craig and John Paul."

Soft chocolate eyes and brilliant blue eyes filled with tears as their friends and family all rose to their feet, glasses in hands, and echoed Jake's toast.

"Craig and John Paul!"

Lifting his own champagne flute John Paul smiled at his new husband.

"To us," he said quietly, "And to love."

Mirroring the blonde man's actions Craig took a sip of his drink. "Always."


End file.
